Come correct, Chris Concepcion. You owe us receipts

By Mabel Doge Luhan

On October 8, Kandit sent the Marianas Visitors Authority an Open Government Act request. We asked for a roster of who went on MVA’s latest trip to Japan, and how much the trip cost.

A simple inquiry. One that must be quite easy, considering MVA’s extensive staffing, including FOUR FULL-TIME ACCOUNTANTS and TWO FULL-TIME STATISTICIANS.

MVA hasn’t replied to us. Apparently there was no time for them to fulfill their statutory requirements under the Open Government Act.

And they must have already met all their work goals for the year, because they did have time to push a propaganda piece (NOT A STATUTORY REQUIREMENT) to the Variety, published October 11th. I’m glad the Variety thought it newsworthy that Saipan (not “The Marianas”) was #9 in someone’s survey.

MVA’s propaganda piece must have been quite a few decades in development: it brags that Saipan came in just behind Czechoslovakia! I’m wondering how we placed against Austria-Hungary, British Malaya, and the Holy Roman Empire!

Does it matter that MVA is clueless about what countries haven’t existed in decades? It might, if they’re supposed to be in charge of international marketing, and are paid millions of dollars (even after a big budget cut) to do so. Of course, it was only a few months ago that MVA called for marketing in “The Republic of South Korea,” while simultaneously not knowing what “CNMI” stands for. Maybe they’d know more about “Czechoslovakia” if it had more PRIVATE PLUNGE POOLS and FRESH LOBSTER.

Good thing that now among MVA’s goals is “ensuring our visitors have an informed and safe visit with trained tour guides.” (Um, what visitors?) Perhaps Kandit’s next Open Government Act request will be a copy of the daily schedule of those MVA employees receiving full-time salaries to “certify tour guides” — there must be so many tour guides, and so much certifying, that it’s certainly a 40-hour-a-week, 52-week-a-year job!

C-H-A-R-O-T!

Speaking of which! With four full-time accountants and two full-time statisticians (I’m sure with only the highest educational and professional qualifications), producing a short summary of trip costs must not be too cumbersome for MVA. So why have they not done so?

Is Topher just salty about our inquiries? He works in government. He’s supposed to be a public servant, not the CNMI’s petulant trust fund baby who pouts when asked to justify his luxury travels. If he wants confidentiality, he can go back to working for CAC (don’t pronounce that) Consulting, a totally legitimate company offering his vast, VAST business expertise in totally arm’s-length transactions. Or just travel on his own dime.

And more importantly, if Si Topher truly is proud of what MVA is doing, then he should be sending us that budget information bright quick, and calling us to make sure we got it, and reminding us to publicize it — he should be sending it to us before we even ask! Isn’t that what people do when they’re proud of their work? EXPOSURE VALUE! And if Si Topher is pee-shy about letting us peek at MVA’s expenses, then we have to ask why that is?

Does he think we’ll disappear? As Chappell Roan promises, “I heard you like magic. I’ve got a wand and a rabbit.” That is the only kind of magic we do around here.

Some misguided folks wrongly assume that Kandit works like the CNMI Government: after a few queries, we’ll just forget and move on to the next thing. NUNGKA! We come correct.

And unlike MVA, we don’t even have four full-time accountants, nor two full-time statisticians. And we don’t vacation in Langkawi.

Because we don’t take government money. We don’t complain that we “can’t do anything” with $2.7 million dollars a year. We don’t travel the world at public expense. And we work for the public, not ourselves.

Unlike MVA.

Our inbox is waiting.

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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.