By Mabel Doge Luhan for Kandit News
Defund DPS.
Or just turn it into a civil agency that writes crime reports.
Because that’s pretty much all DPS does. Why are we paying for “law enforcement officers” when all we get is report-writers?
When is the last time you’ve seen DPS enforcing any law?
I know I keep dwelling on the BLINDING LIGHTS even when it’s not The Weeknd, but there’s a reason for that: it’s the easiest possible law to enforce. It requires no undercover operatives, no investigative skills, not even a radar gun. All you have to do is sit by the side of the road some evening and watch oncoming traffic. More than half of the cars you see will have either illegal aftermarket headlamps, or will be driving with their brights on, or both.
In fact, those blinding lights yet again nearly set my wheelman’s glass eye ablaze! I commanded him to drive me to JOETEN KAGMAN so I could buy a wedding gift for Cui Lijie and Howyo Chi. What, you didn’t know? It’s marriage file MOS0025-0917 at the Mayor of Saipan’s office: a wedding license and certificate of marriage issued to Ms. Cui and Mr. Chi on September 24, 2024.
It’s heartwarming that when so many people get married just for immigration benefits or to hide assets from creditors, Howyo and Lijie found true love, despite their twenty-six-year age gap! It would bring tears to my eyes, if I could still get wet up top!
As I was saying. Now that winter is upon us, the sun goes down faster than Tim Scott on Lindsey Graham. We can see BLINDING LIGHTS at about 6 PM on Kagman Road, driving to or fro Kagman V! Those blinding lights, and their effects on my wheelman’s glass eye, as well as his sanity, were my excuse for not buying a wedding gift for our IPI innamorati! I had been planning to buy them a WASHER and DRYER, to assist their LAUNDERING! OF CLOTHES, I MEAN! But the blinding headlights prevented my wheelman from performing his PRIMARY DUTY (fortunately, he was still able to perform his SECONDARY DUTY, twice in fact, in the Isla Health parking lot).
And does DPS do anything about those blinding lights? Taya!
How about the people who park in the blue parking spaces when I am taken to pick up my MONTHLY CRATE OF MIRTAZAPINE FROM THE ALWAYS EXCELLENT BRABU PHARMACY KAGMAN? Or the people who use other people’s blue parking placards — which is supposed to be a crime? Does DPS do anything? Nope. They park at the store right next to those cars and don’t even notice.
Again, enforcing these regs doesn’t require any investigation, training, nor even equipment.
And how about cockfighting, gambling, racketeering, and tax evasion. Out in the open. Every Sunday. And all the people who park illegally at the cockfighting venue and obstruct traffic. Any enforcement from DPS? Zero.
So why are we paying for the dozens of gas-guzzling SUVs that are mostly used for our officers to run personal errands? In fact, why are we paying for these officers to have guns and vests and radios and all the rest, when it’s quite clear that they not only don’t solve crimes, but don’t even enforce basic traffic laws?
They can write reports, kind of. It takes them a few weeks, but eventually something emerges. So defund them as law enforcement, and make them a report-writing agency. Cut their budget to a few hundred thousand dollars.
And issue each one of us a MACE and a CLUB, because with the way crime is going these days, we’ll need them.
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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.
2 Comments
Sadog Tasi Resident
11/19/2024 at 10:22 PM
LEDs are standard on up-trimmed vehicles these days. In fact, they are requirement if a manufacturer is looking for higher safety ratings.
You can’t by a Lexus without them, have to downgrade to a base model Camry or Corolla if you don’t want them. TRD is also LED. You’d have to ban all Toyotas on the road.
I recently moved to Dan Dan and I drive a lifted TRD with LEDs to better blast you with. (It’s actually pedestrians j-walking at night, wearing black that I do it).
Just invest in full face tint, nai.
Mabel Doge Luhan
11/20/2024 at 10:04 PM
I AM ALL FOR LEAD ENGRAVED DIAMONDS AND HAVE THEM INSTALLED FRONT AND BACK ON MY CULLINAN. BUT MY WHEELMAN IS STILL STRICTLY INSTRUCTED NOT TO DRIVE WITH THE BRIGHTS ON. AND TINT IS NOT WHAT I WANT HIM TO SPLATTERED ALL OVER MY FACE. I WILL LOOK FOR YOU ON THE ROAD PLEASE HONK IF YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING ON FRIDAYS I DON’T WEAR A BRA.