Donald Trump will sell the Marianas in a heartbeat

By Mabel Doge Luhan

After a half-century of trying, I finally managed to configure the LES NOUVELLES screen on my MINITEL, and the polls, the simulations, and especially the betting markets predict that Donnie Trump will be crowned American Emperor on January 20, 2025.

What does this mean for the CNMI?

Quite a lot.

For starters, if you haven’t noticed, we’re mostly brown over here. That already puts us on Donnie’s shit list.

If you also haven’t noticed, we depend on immigrants for almost all of our labor. Trump is going to make sure that stops, and that we don’t have anybody to work over here. We’ll be sweeping our own floors. Think that’s far-fetched? During Trump’s first term, thousands of acres of crops in California went unpicked because of tighter border security. Farm owners were offering $20/hour for US-work-qualified farm laborers, and there were no takers. Literally none. Zero.

We Americans don’t want to pick fruit — unless we’re paying to do so — and we certainly don’t want to work in factories (EXCEPTION: CHEESECAKE FACTORIES). That’s why most of the things we buy are made in China. And a 60% tariff will increase prices of every phone, laptop, TV, and meth pipe by at least that much, if not more.

Most of us use (“avail,” as the Variety would say) public assistance. Under the Emperor’s new Directive, the public assistance that goes to poor people will mostly be abolished or defunded. Public assistance to “business” cronies will, of course, be greatly expanded. Quite a boost!

Speaking of corruption, Trump famously said that “Guam is not America.” I doubt he’s heard of the CNMI. And when one of Donald’s BFF’s asks for a small favor, just a territorial gift — maybe in exchange for forgiving a loan, or erasing a pee-pee tape — we, Guam and the CNMI, are likely to be served up on a platter.

WE NEED TO CHOOSE: Will we be handed over to China, Russia, or North Korea? I LIKE TO BE PREPARED.

The natural choice is Russia. Donald Trump gulps Putin-nectar even faster than Diet Coke, and Donald and Vladimir had at least seven VERY INTIMATE LATE-NIGHT CHATS in the past three years. I just imagine Donnie and Vlad both in their beds, kicking their feet up, talking on speakerphone because their hands are busy tearing the wings off of flies.

But won’t Putin be satisfied with Donnie giving him Ukraine? It’s a hell of a lot bigger than the Marianas, and has more babies to kill, which is always a plus for Vlad. Lavishing the Marianas upon him in addition to Ukraine would just be excessive, and Donald never was known for generosity, other than ORAL GENEROSITY. So while I, personally, would just love to start riding a bear shirtless, MY ELDER-TITTIES FLAPPING IN THE WIND, I don’t think the handover of the CNMI to Russia going to happen.

Maybe we’ll be handed over to China? They do have a navy that could take over the CNMI in minutes, especially if Emperor Donald agrees to it. We might be the opening act for their takeover of Taiwan. Cheering on China as they invade first the Marianas, then Taiwan, might give Donald his first erection since the murder of George Floyd!

What might make Donald agree to whatever the CCP wants? First, they are masters of flattery, and he will do anything for flattery. (FRED NEVER PRAISED HIM) And Donald does owe $250 million to the Bank of China. At least for now he does. Until he asks the CCP for some loan forgiveness!

Are we ready for our islands to be taken over by China? Yes, again. I mean, doubly. Or triply. WHAT I’M SAYING IS THAT WE WILL BECOME SAIPAN, PROVINCE OF CHINA. To the extent we aren’t already.

Welcome back, Chinese garment factories. Except now we’ll be working in them! And just like the CNMI’s original garment workers, we won’t get paid!

Donald is bringing factory jobs back, right? Unless that morning he forgets to take his meth pills (ALLEGED!!!!).

I do think our most likely new master will be China. But we can’t quite call it settled, because there’s the dark-horse candidate: North Korea. Or as MVA would say, “The Republic of North Korea.”

Donald has been lovingly “eyeing,” as the Variety would say, Kim-Kim for quite a few years. Those two have so much in common. One is a malevolent dictator with a horrible haircut who just wants to see his country suffer, and the other one is Kim Jong-Un!

I must say I am rather sanguine about the North Korean option. The Korean restaurants in Saipan are mostly awful (except for Nam Dae Moon), and we would definitely have much better Korean food as North Korea’s new province. We, of course, wouldn’t be allowed near any of that food. But that’s details!

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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.