Fat Hitler Is Closing In, and No One with Power Is Saying Anything

By Mabel Doge Luhan

Mango Mussolini is on his way to the White House! And oh my, is he going to Trump our shit up! After all, the CNMI runs on two things: foreigners, and federal entitlement programs. Funny enough, both are at the top of Butternut Squash’s 2025 hit list. If even a little bit of his “policy” is implemented, the CNMI’s people will suffer, greatly.

Say goodbye to SNAP, WIC, Medicaid, and maybe even federal school funding. How much of our population will turn destitute? And how many of those turned destitute will keep their Trump stickers on their pickups?

If Trump actively deports undocumented people, and further restricts work and tourism visas, our economy will crash even harder than it has. Only a mentally ill convicted criminal from Wisconsin (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH A MENTALLY ILL CONVICTED CRIMINAL FROM NEW YORK) would believe that deporting most of our workforce and consumer base would benefit our economy. Who’s going to be shopping at the stores, and who’s going to be renting houses and apartments? Worse yet, who’s going to be working at our hospital, not to mention cooking our GARLIC FRIED RICE? In fact, who’s going to be lovingly tossing politicians’ and scammers’ salads in the Marianas Variety, if not our primarily foreign workforce?

So here we are. With two months to go until Mushroom Dick takes control. With openly announced — in no way secret — plans that will destroy the CNMI. And what are our supposed leaders doing? Anything?

The Governor is focused on airport fees. The Legislature is meeting about locking up shirtless people. And the Catholic Church is — mostly complaining about how it has to pay out sex abuse judgments.

Where is any moral leadership here? Where is any action taken to protect either our economy, our livelihoods, our sustenance, or at least our most vulnerable people? From people who are collecting salaries specifically for supposedly leading and protecting the CNMI?
Crickets! In perhaps the most dangerous time we’ve ever faced. Nothing. Silence.

There is, of course, a bit of good news. Even if we don’t have anyone in the CNMI who’s standing up to Trumpism — at least not publicly — it will be Trump’s own stupidity, vanity, ignorance, and incompetence that will sink his plans.

Have you seen the cast of scammers, flunkies, and cokeheads he’s assembled? These people are supposed to undertake the biggest government overhaul in human history? This bunch couldn’t run a lemonade stand! Why, they make MVA look like Goldman Sachs!

WE HAVE FINALLY APPOINTED SOMEONE FROM PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING TO BE SECRETARY OF EDUCATION. I have been lobbying for this for decades.

Trump’s Attorney General was supposed to be an incompetent criminal rapist. But Trump reconsidered, and now the DOJ will be led by an incompetent criminal who’s probably not a rapist. Stetson University School of Law. And that time she dropped a prosecution of Trump after he paid her $25K in protection money. Why, she makes Ed Manibusan look like Sandra Day O’Connor!

And the cast of clowns goes on from there. TV personalities, conspiracy hucksters, and lifelong asslickers. Exception: Scott Bessent, who is at least competent, and might feel a bit out of place at the Cabinet coke parties and NFT pitches!

You didn’t think these people are going to be actually doing any work, did you? They haven’t done a day of real work in their lives (again, with the exception of Bessent), so why should they start now?

And fortunately for us, even evil plans take some competence to implement. Donny has never been able to hire, or even understand, competence.

And of course Yeti Pubes probably won’t even have been sworn into office when the rats turn on one another. Every single one of them (possibly except Bessent) is in this for their own game, whether starting their national political career, running up the expense accounts, building a name for a future media career, or just getting free advertising for whatever grift they’re running. They have zero loyalty to one another, and ultimately, zero loyalty to Trump himself. They are as amoral, transactional, and unprincipled as their boss. Which shouldn’t surprise anybody.

But if even 1% of Trump’s deranged plans are put into practice, the CNMI is going to be hurting, badly. Not to mention the four years of lost time we’ll spend watching the top levels of federal government infighting, selling NFTs, and snorting coke — four years that could have been spent improving our islands and our economy under a competent federal administration.

So where’s the alarm from our supposed political, moral, religious, and business leaders? Where’s the leadership?

Fat Hitler is closing in on everything sustaining the CNMI. And as always, we won’t care until it’s too late.

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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.