Tonight was the first in a long time I wanted to push meth into my arm vein. The irony is that what triggered this temptation was something that happened in the one place I have been going to cast out the demons inside me: the Church.
I attended Mass at San Juan Bautista Church in Ordot. It was beautiful, as all Masses are. Then came the parish announcements right before the final blessing. A church leader began to read prepared remarks, all of which were about the parish’s need for money from parishioners.
The official said, in no uncertain terms, that the reason the church was asking for money was because of “the payouts” resulting from “the lawsuits” that had depleted the parish treasury. She didn’t even have the decency to call them victims of clergy sex abuse. The parish priest just sat there. Said nothing. Did nothing. Just like hundreds of religious and lay people within the Archdiocese of Agana said and did nothing while hundreds of boys and girls were being raped by priests and Catholic school teachers for decades.
She blamed the victims for the financial position of the church; a position the church is in because it victimized the victims.
The church official – continuing to blame the clergy sex victims – then brought up a 1,600 square meter parcel of land adjacent to San Juan Bautista Church that had been surrendered to the clergy sex settlement trust to be sold off so the proceeds could go to the victims. (The federal judge, after pouring over a mountain of evidence and against the protests by the archdiocese, determined that several parcels of undeveloped land adjacent to church properties should be sold off because they did not serve the main purposes of the archdiocese). The church official said that the property was being sold on the open market for $120,000 thanks to the lawsuit and that now, the parish needed to ask its parishioners to chip in so the church can buy the property back.
I sat there embarrassed, feeling bad. I felt ashamed. And then I thought, fuck you. I was ashamed when my St. Anthony School vice principal raped me for the first time on December 8, 1993, and then scores more over the next several months. I was 13. I’m tired of the shame that I was raped by a Catholic school teacher when I was a kid. I’m tired of the Catholic Church covering up for its holier than thou pedophiles and pedo sympathizers. Sick fucks. Piss off, and then when your little penises scrape the last pieces of shit stuck in your degenerate and pedophile anal canals, piss off again.
The archdiocese is going to blame me and the other victims for what they did? They sound like government of Guam elected officials. At least elected officials aren’t child rapists dressed in desecrated garments. At least corrupt politicians aren’t covering for a system that perpetuates sexual assault against children.
Time and again since the archdiocese was FORCED into a day of reckoning on this matter, we’ve heard the words of remorse rolling off the tongues of priests and other officials. We all should have known their words and promises were meaningless when the archdiocese hired high-powered lawyers from Washington to drag out the lawsuits. Those lawyers made more money than any of the victims in settlement. Why didn’t the church official blame the archdiocese’s own lawyers for taking all that cash? Because when it came time to pay the piper, the archdiocese had less money in the bank than the cash it paid to defend itself against indefensible unforgivable crimes. And now this? For the victims to be blamed for the consequences of THE ARCHDIOCESE’s wrongdoing?
If you didn’t want to have to pay the victims, you shouldn’t have made them victims of sexual assault AND your cover up.
But how about this parish asking parishioners to fork out $120,000 so it can buy back an undeveloped, previously unused piece of property? What about all the homeless people who are hungry? What about all the kids who don’t stand a chance in the real world because they live in homes without running water and electricity, diminishing their ability to study at home so they can graduate from poverty? What about the needs of foster children, unwanted children, victims of domestic violence and sexual assault?
Archbishop Ryan Jimenez, days before the general election, issued a letter to all parishioners beckoning their “obligation” as Catholics to vote against so-called “pro-choice” candidates. Fighting to preserve life is wonderful, but don’t tell me you give a shit about unborn children and then from the other side of your mouth you blame child victims of your rape for your financial woes. If the anti-abortion fight was so important, then why ask your parishioners to pay $120,000 to buy back a piece of land you never even used rather than pumping that money into the fight for life. Or a ministry to help the poor and the hungry. Or a ministry to help rehabilitate drug users. Or a ministry to help victims of sexual assault and family violence.
A piece of land is more important than ministries to God’s people who are suffering?
The church official described the land issue as one where the archdiocese “lost the property” to the victims of clergy sex abuse.
You lost it?! You mean you lost it in the crotch of an 11-year-old pre-pubescent altar boy. And if you were one of the people who knew it was happening and turned the other way, you are just as guilty.
That money was meant to wash the blood off your hands. Fuck your money. Your blood money. You can keep it. I’m not giving jack to your collections from now on.
And to think, I was going to donate my settlement money to the church. The archdiocese should start a fund for pedophile priests and teachers and see how much they’re able to collect. At least be honest about your collections.
Among the most unfortunate parts of this story is that after all these decades, I had finally let this tragedy go. And now the wound is fresh again. I’m all fired up.
I won’t poison myself with meth. I won’t give these demons the satisfaction. I’ll walk away from the temptation just like I and others walked out of the Mass during those demonic announcements.
12 Comments
Grandpa
11/10/2024 at 7:06 AM
I am NOT surprised by this. The aggressor playing the victim.
djc
11/10/2024 at 8:48 AM
My heart goes out to you and so many others who have suffered.
Mark McManus
11/10/2024 at 1:19 PM
I’m so sorry that you and others in the Church went through and are still going through it. Please keep the faith Jesus will never do that to you. You’re welcome to check out our service, Christian Bible Church Sunday’s at 10am @ the theater in Micronesian Mall. God is already using you in more ways than you can imagine. Keep looking up and carry the light of Christ and you will find peace that surpasses all understanding.
CNMI Lawyer
11/10/2024 at 9:50 PM
Each parish implements its own ministry. If San Juan Bautista Parish in Ordot determines they need the adjacent parcel for their future parochial activities, who are you to decide otherwise?
What you characterize as victim-blaming sounds like a simple explanation of why the funds are needed. It could just as reasonably be heard as perpetrator-blaming.
What happened to you and the others was terrible. Obviously such reminders are “triggering”, As they would be for anyone who has undergone such trauma.
I strongly suggest you use some of your settlement proceeds for post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) consultation or treatment.
Don’t be so quick to assume uncharitable motives by Church volunteers or even clergy. Many people are hoping and praying that victims of these abuses get the help they need.
Anthony Cabrera
11/11/2024 at 1:00 PM
FUCK NO!, what happened to Troy and the other brave souls was not “terrible”, it was EVIL and the most disgusting, repulsive, monstrous, vomitous behavior of any human being. The fact that the behavior was perpetrated by so called “Holy Men” makes it even more vile! It’s your mentality and other like you that is the cancer of the Church! The only way to fix all this is the PURGE the entire clergy starting with Ryan! WE don’t need these DEVILS in disguises. I don’t need a priest or deacon to pray and connect with my Lord. Your comments were just not tone death but the very cancerous leprosy in the church that is eating it from the inside. Troy was rightly quick to assume that the church and its clergy is full of uncharitable motives, for fucks sakes, they RAPED innocent children! Do you have a son that you’d like to give up to these monsters? You sound like you’ve been complicit yourself?
Troy Torres
11/11/2024 at 1:01 PM
I’m sorry for the previous comment I wrote to you. I deleted that comment after a good night’s rest. My anger has somewhat subsided. I did not like your dismissive and condescending comment, but I should have never gone off on you like that.
Anthony C
11/12/2024 at 5:49 AM
You have absolutely nothing to apologize for my brother. We need a trillion more genuine retaliations like yours followed by the purging of all the clergy in Guam starting with Ryan, he is just picking up from where Apuron left off. Too many good and naive Katolikus in our community believe that there exist an honest and benevolent process of picking church leaders aka Cortiers treating the diocese as their penthouse. The church is no different than the mafia, it has been since time immemorial. Tagle in the PI has the Pope’s ear, O’Malley is a known NeoCat. Ryan’s ascension was no accident nor was it a freakin objective selection process…it was purely complicit evil politiking and “uncharitable”, self serving lobbying with absolutely nothing to do with serving the Kilisya’nus of Guam. You are to be commended for your virtues of humility and atonement but you most definitely do NOT need to fuckin apologize to these scum of the earth.
Troy Torres
11/12/2024 at 1:41 PM
Thank you very much. Truly appreciate your understanding.
Stan
11/11/2024 at 1:45 PM
My heart goes out to the victims of the evil sexual abuse brought on by the “holy men“
There is absolutely no excuse for these evil acts.
The church would like to blame others? Let them. Pretty much no thoughtful person pays much attention to the church anymore, anyhow.
Frenchie
11/11/2024 at 3:37 PM
This comment, was the mantra of the leaders of the NCW, 10 years ago, and still is. I see an old contributor of the junglewatch is here: CNMI lawyer, he could probably testify to this. The neos have been underground for the most part, but they not gone away. The whole cabal at the chancery is the same group that served Apuron jealously. They were cautious under Byrnes, but they appeared emboldened with Ryan at the helm who is not as knowledgeable about our upheaval, and one of the most neo friendly of the candidates for his job. If I recall correctly the finance person at Ordot is still a Neo. Therefore I would suggest, don’t be so naive, don’t be upset, but certainly get ready for a fight. The people that aided and abetted Apuron in the past continue to do so. They have never showed contrition. They are still hiding, but they are ready for a come back
CNMI Lawyer
11/12/2024 at 1:27 PM
I was indeed a frequent contributor to Jungle Watch. Yes, agents and supporters of the Neocatechumenal Way (NCW) remain embedded within the Archdiocese. We should not be overly quick to paint the new Archbishop, whom I found to be an exemplary shepherd here in the CNMI, with NCW tar. We should exercise prudence and discernment, and give constructive, useful advice to our church leaders. The Archbishop needs to work with who is available.
Anthony C
11/13/2024 at 7:06 AM
A lot of good the exercise of “prudence and discernment” did with Apuron and his destruction of the diocese. Ryan is seeped with same Evil pleasures and need for pomp and circumstance that fed Apuron’s ego and corruption. Ryan done drank the kool aid years ago so no need to paint him anything. He’s but a pedophilic pawn like the rest of them, trying to keep hold of what little of their Gomorra plot they got left. they lost the “monastery” and so no where else to gather for their Evil feast! Ryan is lovin his new gig and the “Emperor luvs his new clothes”. CMMI Lawyers doesn’t even try to hide the corrupt and sinister agenda of the NCW by calling themselves “agents”!. Trying to argue and reason with lawyer is like yelling at a rabid dog to heel. I wouldn’t even bother Troy, he’s just another cult minion lickin Ryan’s boots, or Zories when it nice out.