A tale of Dummy Moron, Lenient Coward, Joykill Bossy, and Tumultuous Tyrant and her stolen purse

By Peter J. Santos

[Disclaimer, this is a short fiction story. Any resemblance to real people or real events are purely coincidental.]

Once upon a time in a small island in the Pacific, there was a lawyer named Dummy Moron. Dummy Moron was not a good lawyer at all and he was very unethical.

He milked the taxpayers by maxing out all the billings for the cases he was appointed to even though he never took those cases to trial. He would withdraw from any case where the client wanted to go to trial.

For years, he had the highest billing, way more than any other attorney on the island.

One year, he ran to be the Attorney General of the Island against Attorney Lenient Coward. Lenient Coward beat Dummy Moron by nearly 3 to one because Dummy Moron had been the Attorney General 16 years before and proved to be incompetent and a very poor manager. So many attorneys resigned and the Attorney General’s Office was in a state of chaos. Dummy Moron lost his re-election bid to Attorney Alice Likeable in a landslide defeat. It took 12 years to rebuild the Office of the Attorney General back to where it needed to be.

Now back to the present. Four years after Dummy Moron lost to Attorney Lenient Coward, Dummy Moron decided to try and run again. Unfortunately Lenient Coward, who had no experience as a prosecutor and had only been a solo practitioner with no experience managing other attorneys or a large organization, had done a horrendous job as the Attorney General. Dummy Moron beat Lenient Coward in the primary and the general election, when just 4 years early Lenient Coward had mopped the floor with Dummy Moron.

Dummy Moron turned out to be much worse in his second time being the Attorney General than was his first time as the AG. Dummy Moron chased away all the long time highly experienced Attorneys and Staff because he is a toxic manager. Attorneys left because he would scream and curse at them when they would try to tell him that he was wrong on the law and when they would refuse to take actions that they felt and knew were unethical. But Dummy Moron, who didn’t quite understand the law and the rules of professional conduct would throw a tantrum screaming that he is the elected AG and the People’s choice so whatever he does is correct. Dummy Moron actually believed he was infallible.

Dummy Moron lost all his cases at the Civil Service Commission, at the Superior Court and at the Supreme Court but he dug his heels in, incapable of being honest with himself and incapable of facing reality, he genuinely believed he was right and all the judges, all the justices, and all the other lawyers on the island were incorrect.

Dummy Moron also broke the law and engaged in illegal procurements and illegal contracts, but when he was found out, he went to the legislature and asked the senators to ratify all his illegal actions. And they did. The senators slurped up all his gas-lighting B.S. and even gave him a very generous $55K dollar raise.

Dummy Moron intimidates some senators because they know he’s unethical and is willing to abuse his authority and could indict them for some of their actions.

The office of the public auditor reported that one senator, Joykill Bossy, gave herself 11 illegal raises when she was the minister of the seaport. Dummy Moron could indict her for official misconduct but she is one of his biggest supporters so of course Dummy Moron will never indict Joykill Bossy. Another senator,

Tumultuous Tyrant was a gambling addict and would participate in illegal gambling at rich and influential people’s homes, so she too was a huge supporter of Dummy Moron because she knew Dummy Moron would not indict his biggest defender in the Legislature. Senator Tumultuous Tyrant also had a penchant for expensive designer handbags.

Dummy Moron was also corrupt. He created a position at the Attorney General’s Office for his disgraced brother who was forced to resign after getting caught by the federal government for committing financial crimes, and he pays his brother $120K a year of taxpayer money to do nothing. Dummy Moron also hired his girlfriend who has no legal experience and pays her $75K a year of taxpayer money. That’s more than many of the attorneys at the AG’s Office.

Dummy Moron is a terrible attorney, a horrible manager, he’s corrupt and unethical and loses all his cases in the courts of law, but he’s a very polished politician who is very good at fooling the public in the court of public opinion. He’s a headline grabber and gets earned media for all his rhetoric his fake news.

The real questions, are like what Janet Jackson said in her famous song: What have you done for me lately. Since Dummy Moron got into office, he’s lost over 100 Attorneys and Staff and he has taken the AG’s Office backwards 1,000 steps, even worse when Dummy was AG the first time. The island is NOT safer, legal services that the AG’s Office is required to provide is not getting done, and he’s just allowed to steal and waste taxpayer’s money on bogus cases that he initiates to get headlines and go after political enemies.

The moral of this cautionary tale is that Senators need to do better and be better and the voting public needs to be more careful when voting. Don’t just vote for the guy with the best rhetoric and spouts off what you want to hear, examine and scrutinize his past track record, his credentials, and his experience.

If that were done, Dummy Moron would have lost by a landslide like he did twice before.

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Peter J. Santos is a criminal defense attorney, former prosecutor, combat veteran, native of Agat, and resident of Yigo.