It’s official. The long night is over. A new day is here.

2 Comments

• Mabel Doge Luhan

    01/09/2023 at 6:50 AM

  Who needs amateurs like Kandit when we can get all the news from the CNMI’s professional newspapers and their professional reporters?

  January 9 Saipan Onion:

  “If there is something that he feels he could have done better, Torres said some people stated that he should have been more out in giving more information to the community about the successes they had with his administration.” (Ralph’s tiny nuts “more out” of the Tribune’s hungry lips)

  “Saipan Tribune donates $2,000 to 5 non-profits” (actually $400 each)

  “Muña: Millions of medical referral promissory notes were forgiven” (if you’re gonna make shit up for the headline, why not billions?)

  “Palacios-Apatang installed today” (didn’t realize our elected officials are “installed,” and how can you report that they were “installed” if it hasn’t happened yet?)

  January 9 Zaldy’s One Talking Point:

  “OUTGOING Senate President, Jude Untalan Hofschneider, called the BOOST program ‘sad beyond comprehension.’” (no mention of context or significance, but they didn’t skimp on the the commas)

  And neither “newspaper” reported Palacios and Apatang having been sworn in last night.

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• Mabel Doge Luhan

    01/10/2023 at 1:34 AM

  I confiscated a record album from my eldest daughter Brunhilda because the title was SEX PACKETS. Brunhilda passed away in a cheese-related event some years ago and today I finally got around to hate-listening to this LP. I think this song is about critical race theory.

  Alright! Stop whatcha doin’, ’cause I’m about to ruin
  The image and the style that you’re used to
  I look funny, but yo I’m stealing money, see
  So CNMI I hope you’re ready for me

  Now gather round, I’m the new fool in town
  And my sound’s laid down by the IPI clowns
  I drink up all the Johnnie Walker I bought at DFS
  So just let me introduce myself
  My name is Rafet, pronounced with an “afet”
  Idaho, how I like to funk thee
  Economy class passengers, please allow me to bump thee
  I travel the world with Joey Cruz
  First class to Boise and I just can’t lose
  I like to lie, my excuses smell funky
  I’m spunky. I like my Cheetos lumpy.

  I’m sick with this straight public servant mack
  So sometimes I get avaricious
  I’ll eat up all your fruit bats and your licorice
  Hey Yvette, come here — are ya ticklish?
  Yeah, I hired Yvette; and look at me, I married a Tudela
  It never stopped me from being a busy fella
  I’m a freak, I like the girls who need employment
  In Agatna I got busy in a rented Chrysler Three Hundred
  I’m crazy, allow me to amaze thee
  They say I look like Kim Jong Un but it just don’t faze me
  I’m still getting in the achakma’s pants
  And I even got my own dance

  The Ralphy Dance is your chance to do the Ralph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, come on and do the Ralphy Ralph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, just watch me do the Ralphy Ralph
  Do ya know what I’m doing, doing the Ralphy Ralph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, do the Ralphy Ralph

  People say, “Yo Ralph, on YouTube you’re really funny lookin'”
  That’s alright, cause Arrington’s got the deer meat cookin’
  Feds stare, glare, constantly try to compare me
  But I’m a sociopath and prison doesn’t scare me.
  Pat Smith’s degree is not from Cooley
  And fired FBI agents, they adore me wholly
  Oh yes, Jay Wolfe returns my calls briskly
  ‘Cause feeding my ego pays better than distilling whisky.

  My CUC bill is big, uh-uh I’m not ashamed
  A hundred K for the piggery and I’m still getting paid
  It got dug up by the FBI, they know I’m in charge
  IRS checked how my relatives are living and why my CUC bill is large
  I’m stupid, my defenses sink like a barge
  I use a word that don’t mean nothing, like “no deficit”
  I gorged myself at the Boost Mixer, and if ya missed it,
  I’m the one who said, “Shayne Villanueva, bring me more biscuits!”

  Well, I endorsed Trump and now I’m full of spite
  Yeah, I guess it’s obvious, I also think I’m white
  All ya had to do was give Ralphy a chance
  And now I’m gonna do my dance

  The Ralphy Dance is your chance to do the Ralph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, come on and do the Ralphy Ralph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, just watch me do the Ralphy Ralph
  Do ya know what I’m doing, doing the Ralphy Ralph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, do the Ralphy Ralph

  Oh, yeah, that’s the RICO indictment, y’all
  Let me hear a little bit of that conspiracy charge right here
  Oh, yeah!
  Now that I told ya a little bit about my corruption
  Let me tell ya a little bit about this dance
  It’s real easy to do–check it out

  First I sole source to my prim like Amazon was broken
  Raking it in like Sopranos in Hoboken
  Crazy wack funky by half
  “You look like Kim Jong Un on crack, Ralph”
  That’s alright, cause the AUSA filed a motion
  When I see the indictment it’ll give me a convulsion
  Planning to throw John Arroyo the blame
  This is my dance, y’all, Ralphy Ralph’s my name

  No two people will evaluate BOOST applications the same
  Ya got it down when businesses appear to be in pain
  I take my cut in cash, avoiding taxes like Trump
  Riding Harleys with Wil, just shaking my rump
  And when Diane rammed my car like bump-bump-bump
  I told Guam PD: Step off, I’m doing the Ralph!

  [Hook]
  The Ralphy Dance is your chance to do the hump
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, come on and do the Ralphy Ralph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, just watch me do the Ralphy Ralph
  Do ya know what I’m doing, doing the Ralphy Ralph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, do the Ralphy Ralph

  Chamorro people, do the Ralphy Ralph, do the Ralphy Ralph
  That one white guy at the rally, do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump
  Filipinos, do the Humpty Hump, just keep on doing the hump
  Carolinians, do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump

  Let’s get BOOSTed!

  [Hook]
  The Ralphy Dance is your chance to do the Raph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, come on and do the Ralphy Ralph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, just watch me do the Ralphy Ralph
  Do ya know what I’m doing, doing the Ralphy Ralph
  Do the Ralphy Ralph, do the Ralphy Ralph

  Oh, yeah, come on and break it down

  [Outro]
  Once again, the CNMI GOP is in the house
  I’d like to send a shout out to the whole Marianas
  Keep on doing the Ralphy Ralph
  And to the ladies,
  I’ll be out in 2040 on good behavior!

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