By Mabel Doge Luhan
It seems like just yesterday: I wrote my HELPFUL, INNOVATIVE, VALUE-ADDING article about 902 talks. My point was that Washington, DC isn’t Onlyfans, and the feds are no paypig. One day, maybe well before 1814, the Rhythm Nation might ask us: “What have you done for me lately?” And we’ll only be able to twiddle our thumbs.
And so now we seem to be coming up on those 902 talks, without any plan of what it is we’re going to ask for.
Oh sure, there are “plans.” Just read the pleas of HANMI and their retinue of yapping bitches: We’re going to use up all our political capital, apparently, asking for an exemption from a direct-flights cap to please our Chinese-tourism overlords. Maybe the hilariously transparent idea of taking over local control of AMP will also resurface, if our leaders find a willing buyer. And then there are the proposals for a “paycheck protection program” for the CNMI — meaning, free money, at least for voters.
Do you remember on the way back from Stewart’s Castle, asking your parents for a Dolly Varden dress, telling them it was absolutely required for your first cotillion? They laughed at you, didn’t they? They weren’t stupid. The feds aren’t stupid either. And while I know our 902 representatives are busy booking their return flights through Idaho — oops, I mean researching how we can best handle this negotiation — I thought I could offer SOME OF MY VALUE-ADDED ADVICE.
Let’s focus on things that aren’t just free money. Because that’s what they expect us to ask for. And what we’ve horribly misspent in the past. Let’s ask for things that either don’t cost them much, or they’ve offered us before. If there is a cost to what we’re requesting, let’s at least structure the proposal in a way that doesn’t give the CNMI control over funds and another opportunity for another episode of misspending. I’m not saying we’re chronic thieves, but the feds must certainly think of us that way, thanks to all the little debacles going back to ever since.
So here is MABEL’S INNOVATIVE LIST of FIVE:
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Federalize CNMI Customs. We’d not only save all the costs of Customs (about $3 million a year), but we’d reduce the costs of everyday shopping for our people, as well as the costs of doing business for new or existing businesses in the CNMI. Imagine being able to buy whatever from the mainland US without the hassle of customs inspections and threats of a tax. This has been offered to us before. The feds have even offered to reimburse us for lost revenue, and to hire our Customs officers, at least the ones who pass their job screening. The problem in the past has been that too many CNMI Customs officers don’t qualify for the federal jobs. Let’s get serious about saving money in the budget, saving money for CNMI consumers, and making it easier to do business here. Additional benefit: this would also put a serious dent in the local supply of meth. According to the always-reliable Pepoy’s lunch counter rumor mill, a good portion of our meth comes in with the full knowledge of at least some CNMI Customs officers.
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Grant CNMI-only immigration status to out-of-status former CWs or parole beneficiaries. We complain about the lack of a population base, workforce, and consumer base — yet we have a store of thousands of people ready to fully participate in our economy, if we’d just let them. Don’t let a few people suffering from anger and possible mental health issues dominate the discourse on this issue. And the CNMI-only provision would prevent these people from picking up and leaving to Guam, which would neutralize the political opposition from Guam that scuttled the previous version of this proposal.
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Seriously discuss or study building a federal prison in the CNMI. No, it’s not the industry we want to have. I know. We’d prefer to have a glamorous industry where we can all look good and not break a sweat and make six figures. There isn’t one available for us. The good news about a federal prison is that it’s not difficult to make six figures working there, even without a college degree.
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We need customers for that prison, right? Expand the FBI office, or fund a specific investigative task force for past and current public corruption. I know there already is one. Renew it or expand it. Even if the FBI is investigating the previous administration’s misdeeds, our public is losing faith in federally provided law and order, and that’s not good.
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Increase enforcement of federally funded programs that are supposedly means-tested. People with good connections and no shame are using federal aid that should be going to people who truly deserve it. Do all the people lining up for SNAP in their new SUVs really have under $2,000 in assets? Many do, but many don’t. Do all the tour company owners parking their company van fleets at the Sandy Beach parking lot really have under $1,500 in monthly income? How many WIC, SNAP, or Section 8 recipients own millions of dollars of real estate in China, if not also in the CNMI? And so on. Usually these kinds of investigations aren’t accustomed to assets hidden abroad. Get used to it, because our coffers are being robbed by people with no rights to public assistance.
Oh, what a delight it would be if our negotiators would just focus on these points, rather than the hollow, pie-in-the-sky stuff that they know will make for good political fodder for the base back home.
A few weeks ago, I admit I was quite down on the coming 902 talks. I was counting down the days to Trump’s coronation and the ensuing handover of the CNMI, Guam, and California to the Russian Empire. Why, I was planning to move my hovercraft fleet to Austria-Hungary! But now that Obama is running again for the Democrats, I think we have a chance for a few more years of democracy, especially with Howard Dean as Barack’s fiery, no-holds-barred VP choice! Much better than the alternative of David Dennison and Fancy Sarah Palin.
Speaking of the US President, it’s not quite true that we can’t vote for President in the CNMI. We can, of course, move to the US 50 to vote for President. But even if we live in the CNMI, we can vote in Federal elections if we have ties to the mainland US. See: https://fvap.gov/
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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.
