Confessions of a joyful Catholic who struggles with sin

I finally made a physical-mental connection between the Holy Eucharist and its actuality as the Body of Christ after five years of going to Mass. And it happened as I was suffering immense regret for having hurt someone I love.

Four things to know about me for this story:

1. Some time shortly after I quit using methamphetamine I developed insomnia. I take melatonin and a supplement called Super Human Sleep so I can sleep around 8 p.m. every night.
2. I wake up at 3 a.m. to start my day.
3. I seldom drink alcohol.
4. Five years ago I renewed my fidelity to Jesus Christ through His church and began a journey of renewal by going to Mass every Sunday, then eventually every day. Though I learned to know the truth during this journey that He is present in the Holy Eucharist, I have prayed for at least two years now for my mind and my heart to make that connection each time I receive Him.

Last night I went drinking with friends. One of my friends brought up his struggle to connect Christ with the church, bemoaning that when he goes to Mass, it’s simply a ritual experience for him. Stand, kneel, sit, sing, repeat.

I knew exactly what he was talking about and I was glad he asked me how I was able to deepen my faith. I told him the honest-to-God truth: I have no idea. I just went to Mass one Sunday, then the next, and then I just kept going. It was all ritual to me at first. It felt good. I felt better about my existence, but it wouldn’t click for a while.

One day it just happened. I was “reborn,” and I felt it. It was nothing I did. Nothing I conjured. I have absolute faith my conversion was a gift – Grace – from the Holy Spirit. I didn’t deserve it. But after an adult lifetime of depravity, debauchery, and hurting so many people including myself, I was willing to fight my way out of that valley by accepting God’s constant invitation to all of us to seek refuge in His love.

Then he asked me, “You’re able to go even after all you’ve been through with the church?” I have a much longer answer to that question, but since the music was loud and we were a few drinks in, I answered simply, “Yes.”

The night went on. We had a great time, but I was exhausted because it had been a long day of working and it was way past my bedtime. To make the next part short, my boyfriend picked me up after his volleyball practice and took me home. I crashed out on the couch. Probably a few minutes later he tried to wake up to sleep on the bed. The problem with my insomnia is that no matter how tired I am or if I’m weighed down by a sleeping pill or alcohol, if I wake up from my slumber for anything but a bathroom run, I’ll have a very hard time going back to sleep.

I looked at the clock. It was 11 p.m. I was drunk and had to be awake in four hours. I was livid. I flew into a rage, getting up, kicking the coffee table in front of me, and screaming and cussing at the top of my lungs. In my drunken stupor I thought he said “I hate you,” so I yelled back, “I hate you!” I stormed into the bedroom, slammed the door, and went to bed.

The weight of it all hit me as soon as my alarm woke me up. I hurt this person who loves me and whom I love. And all he was doing was trying to help me. Before I left the house I whispered an apology to him, then headed to Mass at Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic Church in Yigo.

Mercifully, Father Vincenzo Acampora took my Confession moments before he began the celebration of the Holy Mass and I confessed all the gossiping I had done the past couple weeks since my last Confession, and the mortal sin I committed when I hurt Temmy last night. By the power of Christ, he granted me absolution with penance, all of which I completed before the Mass began.

My regret for what I did to Temmy lingered throughout the Mass, and I had a very hard time concentrating. Then, Fr. Vincenzo raised the consecrated Body and Blood of Christ right before he administered the Holy Eucharist, and he said, as the priest always says:

“Behold the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world! Happy are those who are called to His supper!” And that’s when it hit me. That’s when I saw Him in that Holy Eucharist raised to Heaven. He was right there, just a few feet away from me sacrificing Himself for the pardon of my sins and my sinful ways.

It had been a long time since I purposely hurt someone I love. During that time, I had entered several churches and celebrated hundreds of Masses and consumed the Body of Christ hundreds of times, each time praying that God would open my eyes to the realization of His presence in that Bread of Life. And I never realized it until I was filled with regret, sorrowful for my unworthiness, suffering from the afflictions of my heart, AND cleansed through the Confessional.

“Lord, I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word, and my soul shall be healed.” I’ve uttered that response hundreds of times to the priest’s presentation of the Holy Eucharist, the last words the faithful speak together before receiving the Body of Christ on their tongues. It’s one of those rituals my friend and I spoke about last night. This morning, it meant something far more special to me. Not only did I feel unworthy, but I knew that as soon as I’d consume Him, I would be healed.

And I am.

It’s been a blessed day. I can’t wait for Mass in the morning. I can’t wait for the Sunday Mass, my favorite time of the week. If this isn’t your journey yet, I invite you to join me. I really have no idea how to explain what happens, but I know that if you walk this path, there is nothing that can keep you down. Not even our own sinful ways.

 

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“Receive the Holy Spirit. For those whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven; for those whose sins you retain, they are retained” – John 20:22

 

“When you approach the confessional, know this, that I Myself am waiting there for you. I am only hidden by the priest, but I myself act in your soul. Here the misery of the soul meets the God of mercy. Pray for souls that they be not afraid to approach the tribunal of My mercy.” – Jesus Christ to St. Faustina