Elected Officials: Make Believe It’s Your Money On the Line and Get Serious About MUSD Due Diligence

By Mabel Doge Luhan for Mabel’s Table, Kandit News & Views

“King-Nabors, Armani explain how Tinian’s MUSD will work,” the June 6th Marianas Variety headline reassures us.

You know you’re in trouble when you’re relying on the pitchmen to explain something to you. And relying primarily on the pitchmen’s explanation to get a basic understanding. Hello, Sister Mary Ignatius!

Isn’t this what always happens with these sorts of deals in the CNMI? Remember all the “explanations” of how the Best Imperial casino and “six-star hotel” would work — breathlessly repeated by the Variety and politicians alike?

Our government entrusts our Commonwealth’s wellbeing to people who have nothing more than a Powerpoint. And, allegedly, in some cases, some envelopes, or better yet, baggies.

Yet a water company wouldn’t entrust a potential driver with their water truck without doing a thorough check of her bonafides.

Is it because our politicians are stupid? Contrary to what everyone thinks, no. Our politicians aren’t stupid. If you asked them to entrust Marianas Rai with their personal Tacoma or even their personal meth pipe, they’d say hell no. Because they care about their own property, just as the water company cares about its own truck. But caring about the public coffers of the CNMI, or about average folks who aren’t their relatives — well, that’s pretty far down their list.

What would it take to get them to care? In some sci-fi world, politicians could be made personally liable for potential public losses. That would be interesting, wouldn’t it? How many of the politicians assuring us that the MUSD project is totally on the up-and-up would be willing to stake their own Tacoma on it? How about none?

So we’re left to rely possibly on their public-spiritedness — which does exist in the CNMI, contrary to rumor, because just look at Tina Saipan, Spam Manglona, and a handful of others, but exists in very short supply, because look at pretty much everyone else on Capital Hill.

The only thing we’re left to rely on is the electoral process. And an electorate that supposedly will throw the bums out if they mismanage the coffers. Except in the CNMI, that never quite works out, mostly because the electorate is a minority of taxpayers, and mostly receives government benefits of some sort, so can be easily bought off.

It doesn’t help when besides Kandit, we don’t have a functional press that will actually call politicians to task for messing up. Even worse, our “reporters” mostly don’t even understand what’s going on.

But say Governor Palacios and the AG and a few others haven’t been paid off and suddenly gain some interest in seriously investigating this MUSD proposal. They don’t want to just dismiss it out of hand, and rightly so, because it might be beneficial after all. But they also don’t want to hand over the reins to our Commonwealth.

The problem then is that even if they wanted to, they don’t understand cryptocurrency and financial regulation. It’s not in their job description. And our government usually relies on “special assistants” who know slightly less about their supposed domain of expertise than Lindsey Graham knows about cunnilingus (giving, not receiving)! Ah, the Senatrice.

Remember how for managing the Commonwealth’s affairs during his term, Governor Torres would find the most cockamamie “experts” and other n’erdowells? Did the Casino Commission have anyone who actually knows anything about casino regulation? But when Si Rafet was personally under the gun of federal prosecution, he suddenly lawyered up with a totally legitimate, acclaimed, top-tier NYC criminal defense lawyer? Funny how things change when it’s your own dagan on the line!

So I suggest our politicians make-believe that it’s their own money and reputation on the line with MUSD. What would they do then? Rely on their Special Assistant For Financial Regulation, who once managed not to overdraw his checking account for two weeks? Maybe not.

Here’s what they should do: pay for expert advice. Impartial expert advice. Not asking the pitchmen about the viability of their own proposal, but asking actual experts. And again, not your nephew who once worked at Gamestop, but actual experts.

There are different ways to go about this, but I’m going to suggest a good one: Call up a law firm that has a strong crypto regulation practice. Pay them maybe $20K to give a quick opinion on this MUSD thing. Yes, actual experts are more expensive than Special Assistants, but $20K is nothing compared with the financial, legal, and reputational losses this MUSD could present. And no, don’t ask the law firm for a kickback. Please don’t.

I’ll give you three law firms that are great at crypto regulation matters:

Davis Polk: https://www.davispolk.com/
Latham Watkins: https://www.lw.com/
Skadden: https://www.skadden.com/

Call them up. Say you’re a local government. Don’t mention who you’re related to. Just say you need an opinion on a crypto proposal. They’ll treat you real good. Once you pay up. Just like allegedly “Vin Armani” in his alleged previous career!

Come back to us with the findings. Ask ChatGPT for a summary if you must.

You know that the Marianas Rai team is prepared with its pitch. We, the people of the Commonwealth, with our government acting in our stead, should be equally prepared in evaluating it.

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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.