Enthralled by Newsom, Reinvigorated by Californians, and Lamenting What Never Becomes of the CNMI

By Mabel Doge Luhan for Mabel’s Table, Kandit News & Views

I’ve had a busy week constantly hitting F5! The Los Angeles protests have served as brilliant entertainment, and a delicious pick-me-up — just like my afternoon Vyvanse!

Los Angelenos took a day off from anal bleaching and took to the streets! They weren’t, and aren’t, ready for mass deportations of their friends, coworkers, and relatives. Nor are they ready for their state to be taken over by an obese buffoon who thinks Posse Comitatus is a porno. They’ve been on the streets, making quite a wonderful ruckus. Without hurting any people, mind you — oh, there’s been property damage, but what’s a party without property damage?

How hypocritical it is of the Trumpian side to criticize the protests for being illegal, when at the same time they dismiss law and judges as “unelected” and irrelevant. The Trumpists have openly, brazenly said that law is obsolete, and all that matters is who has the jackboots and the billy clubs. And now they complain because it’s the people, and not the ICE goons, who flowed out onto the streets, sometimes with jackboots and billy clubs?

They fail to express any remorse for wrongfully grabbing innocent people off the street and sending them to foreign torture camps. Yet they cry a million crocodile tears for property damage. That’s not even including the Trump camp’s constant calls to destroy/raze/nuke California.

And yet, standing tall, in the midst of it all — “You can tell a macho; he has a funky walk.” Or if the Village People are too heteronormative, just turn to Schopenhauer: “Thus a handsome man is he who expresses most clearly and purely the character which the will to live, at the highest grade of its objectification, has stamped upon man.”

I’M TALKING ABOUT MY GAVIN NEWSOM. I haven’t made him mine in the Biblical sense, not yet. But if he knew some of my thoughts about him, why, I’m sure he’d deputize the National Guard right to my libido!

Why, Si Gavin is actually standing up to Mango Mussolini. And saying things that under any other POTUS, would have been totally normal and uncontroversial — but under Fat Hitler, put him at risk of a beating and a trip to El Salvador.

Oh, is it because Si Gavin owns some land that’s in question? Because his nephew might lose a job? Because an “investor” is paying him with monthly cash and meth? Nopes all around, if you can believe it (and if you’re from the CNMI, maybe you can’t). He’s just doing the right thing, and the best thing for his state and his people.

Quite a difference from what we have in the CNMI, isn’t it?

Here in the CNMI, we’re a lot more dependent on foreign labor and foreign customers, as well as undocumented people, than California is. But can you imagine Si Arnold Palacios actually standing up and protecting us from Trumpian destruction? Three years ago I could imagine it. Today, I can’t.

Nah. AP and KKH are happy giving Donald lazy handjobs across the water. They’d never say a word against him. I’m sure they’ll be cheering and sending their well-wishes to the $45 million North Korean birthday parade that will tear up DC streets.

And no, Newsom didn’t singlehandedly make California rich, but isn’t this a great example of why California (or any other place with principled, public-minded leaders) is rich and the CNMI is poor? Of course, most of our politicians get their governance models from the Philippines — where the top 10% has 99%. How many of our politicians could you imagine speaking up for principles when it might upset someone richer and more powerful? Gryllidae!

In the style of the village dreamers who believe the CNMI government just “brings in” residents or service providers, I’m going to say now what I advise for a prosperous CNMI: “Bring in Gavin Newsom!”

If for no other reason, then at least to sit on my face!

_____
Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.