By Mabel Doge Luhan
[Friday] evening, I was strolling my bull mastiff when I came upon a swarm of 1993 Toyota Tercels parked upon Guangdong Hardware Road. Were they extra-early for SNAP? Why, no! They were right on time for the Friday evening cockfight!
Bloodsport only on Sunday afternoons, right after church (and right before drunken domestic violence), doesn’t seem to be enough! There’s apparently also a Friday evening cockfight now — perhaps for those who observe Friday as their holy day? Walter Sobchak didn’t roll on the Shabbos, but these guys’ lust for cock simply knows no bounds!
But everybody knows that cockfighting is illegal (7 USC § 2156), and that the law applies in the CNMI (Salas v United States, 9th Cir Aug 27, 2024).
So the FBI will bust that cockfight any moment now.
CHARIZZ!
CHARAT!
CHARRED HAT!
The FBI is not doing anything about cockfighting out in the open in Saipan, at least not visibly, even though that illegal cockfighting has been going on since ever since.
It tickles my underside that nobody even mentions the possibility of CNMI DPS enforcing the anti-cockfighting law! Just as nobody even dared to wish for DPS arresting obviously lawbreaking CNMI politicians and cronies.
In those dark days of Cheetos a la Boise and Friseur du Pyongyang, we had not even a glimmer of hope of our DPS taking action. Not even while our Commonwealth was being stolen from under us. You would think that DPS would consider it their Commonwealth, too. But yes, the Cheetos and Bose headphones must have been just too delicious.
Meanwhile, local police departments in the mainland US bust corruption all the time. Remember bribe-taking LA Councilman Mark Ridley-Thomas? He was investigated and arrested by LAPD, for federal crimes.
Here in the CNMI, we gave up on our local police around the time Melania gave up on Donnie’s mushroom. But we had hope for the FBI. They were the good guys. They would bust the thieves, and maybe even get some of the public funds back.
And now? Crickets.
So whether that’s the result of no action or merely no public action, to some extent, it doesn’t matter. Part of enforcing the law is visibility. I’ve always been into public action! That’s why you’ll often find me at the Smiling Cove Marina restrooms.
But I digress!
When in late 2022 the masses called for Raffy’s head ASAP, I wisely and presciently advised all who’d listen that the median-length FBI investigation takes two years. And that means that half of them take longer than two years.
It’s been two years already. And it’s still crickets.
Cockfighting. Bribery. Money laundering. Tax evasion. All federal felonies. But nobody seems to care.
Federal prosecutions? Oh, right: there are some happening. They keep busting Chinese peasants rafting in US domestic waters. With a sucker-punch of a charge, “transporting illegal aliens,” which has absolutely nothing to do with crossing borders or entry into Guam — that’s a “crime” that can be charged if you’re an ambulance driver picking up someone who you know doesn’t have immigration status.
Somehow, those prosecutions don’t make me feel any safer, nor living in more of a law-abiding society.
There’s that cockfighting. And with it, gambling, tax evasion, and who knows what else. The feds seem not to care.
And then, our political class’s cartoonishly blatant violations of the Hatch Act? 95% of Saipan businesses laughing off OSHA, minimum wage, EEOC, and CW compliance rules? Antibiotics, steroids, stimulants, benzos, and quack cures for various ailments being sold over the counter? Federal low-income housing full of the richest people on island? Every clothing store selling counterfeit goods? Millions of dollars in unreported bribe income?
None of these laws are ever enforced.
MY WHEELMAN ADDS: THERE ARE ALSO ILLEGAL HEADLIGHTS ON MOST CARS IN SAIPAN AND THEY BLIND HIM BUT HE LOVES STEVIE WONDER.
I wonder why Paul Murphy even wants a silencer. It’s not like the FBI enforces the law around here. Be bold, Paul, like our politicians who don’t even hide their thieving, or like those cock-chasers who block the road to passing traffic while illegally gambling on illegal animal abuse.
You can be bold in breaking federal law here, and there are no consequences.
Thusly, I surmise that The Purge has finally begun! What will you do, when there is no risk of federal law enforcement as long as you’re not rafting to Guam?
I, for one, am ready to cook moonshine ( 26 USC § 5601) and impersonate a federal park ranger (18 USC § 912.). Unfortunately, many in the CNMI have more nefarious plans.
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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.
