By Mabel Doge Luhan for Mabel’s Table, Kandit News & Views
Oh my! “US companies” “eye” the CNMI, Governor Palacios tells us!
What great news this is! Why, we haven’t heard such great news since MVA eyed new markets, Britons (supposedly) eyed vacationing in Saipan, and Donald Trump eyed his daughter!
So the Trump presidency — on track to bring economic destruction to most of the world, except Russia and North Korea (both exempt from tariffs!) — is actually a good thing, you see. Because “US companies” supposedly want to set up shop in the CNMI.
Mazda, supposedly. They’re definitely about to put a billion dollars into a new assembly plant in the CNMI, because of our great logistics, cheap power, ample workforce, and trustworthy government! J/K. They might, in fact, use the CNMI as a temporary trans-shipment loophole, as some car companies did in the 1990s — offloading thousands of cars from Asia into a parking lot in the CNMI, then after a certain number of days (to conform to customs regs), loading them on to ships to the mainland US. Well that would certainly create some economic benefit for the owners of port-adjacent land or warehouses, for Saipan Stevedore, and perhaps for the greedier officers at CNMI Customs. Other than that? It’s not going to change things.
What would change things would be getting rid of the ridiculous regulations that are a deal killer for any legitimate business — one from a first world country, that doesn’t consider bribes a routine cost of business. Monthly tax returns? Quarterly “employee censuses” and “workforce plans?” Shakedowns from DPW, DPL, Zoning, Finance, Commerce, Labor, and everyone else asking Mamasan to borrow them twenty dollar? And many of our esteemed legislators, who will line up asking any new “investor” for drinks, prostitutes, cash, meth, or at least fake jobs for their cousins?
Oh, but those would take effort. So never mind. The governor supposedly “listens” to voices such as the Marianas Business Network, a legitimate, non-Tan-Holdings-dominated business group in the CNMI. That doesn’t mean he implements anything they asked for. In fact, he just line-item vetoed local funding for MBN — along with funding for Saipan Humane Society and Northern Marianas Protection and Advocacy Systems — while approving funding for 500 Sails. Coincidentally, 500 Sails is run by his relatives, but that’s just coincidence. After all, there’s nothing more important to improving our economy and standards of living than a sailing club. It must be a lot more important than the private groups that try to provide the services usually provided by local governments in the first world — a real chamber of commerce (not the Chamber of Tan we have), a spay-neuter clinic, and a disabilities advocacy office.
Par for the course, Par! Did you see the photo of Governor Palacios smiling like a dipshit in a group of virulent Trumpworld racists and conspiracy theorists? Funny how Si Arnold’s skin caught all the light in the room and everyone else around him was a bit more, shall we say, reflective. That photo will age just as well as the one of KKH grinning happily next to the Gulf of America sign on her one side, and on the other side, her good orange friend who’s shutting down all the CNMI’s federal funding and taking away our tourists and workers. Save those photos, because they’ll age like an 8 PM Himawari bento!
I really wonder whether Governor Palacios really cares about our wellbeing, or whether he’s just in this for the free meals. He might not be the most brilliant man alive, but even he must have known, well before joining the Trump Party, what it stood for. And he joined, and endorsed, and toasted, and saluted. Because that would get us here in the CNMI good things? How is that working out for you, Guvnah? Unless by “good things” you mean a fleeting opportunity to be Mazda’s trans-shipment point — a “business” that can be taken away in a second whenever Donald chooses to change the tariff rules, or invade Japan, or ban cars not made by Elon Musk.
Oh it all reminds me of 1965, when I’d been legally deceased (wink wink nudge nudge) for only two years, and a bright young military officer seized power in the Central African Republic. Oh, he was quite a handsome man! And quite a few prudent voices pointed out that despite his power and wealth, this dictator, Jean-Bedel Bokassa, was a danger and not to be associated with — but quite a few other folks saw no harm in joining Bokassa’s party!
Most famously, Valery Giscard, future President of France, thought it quite normal to consider this powerful new leader “a family friend,” accompany him on hunting trips. As Le Canard Enchaine (the Mabel’s Table of its day) revealed, Giscard even accepted gifts of blood diamonds from Bokassa.
Why, in 1977, Giscard sent his envoy, Robert Galley, to attend Bokassa’s coronation party! Doesn’t it remind you of the pictures of tech CEOs toasting with champagne at the Second Trump Coronation, or our own “leaders” kowtowing to the gang of grifters and white nationalists set on destroying our islands? Back in 1977, Jimmy Carter, a man about as interested in personal enrichment as Troy Torso is interested in vaginas, refused to attend Bokassa’s coronation — or Trump’s, for that matter.
Oh, what a delicious stew they served at the coronation! And all the guests ate it right up! Bokassa was celebrating his victory in the “election” of course, the one he wouldn’t allow to be “stolen” from him — so what better ingredient for this meaty stew than the election’s losers? Can you hear Donald’s tummy grumbling, if he could read enough words to become aware of this story?
Jimmy Carter walked away from that one in the moral right. He refused to party with a bloodthirsty dictator. He went to his grave with those principles. He wasn’t one to choose free trips, or delicious LECHON for that matter, over the people’s interests.
And Arnold Palacios? Let’s see. He hasn’t said one damn thing about the vast damage Trumpworld is about to wreak on our islands. He continues posing and grinning like a dipshit. Same for KKH, but I never had any hope for her in the first place.
Why should they care? They’ll be alright. It’s quite unlikely that the governor’s salary and phalanx of chauffeurs and security guards (unlike any US state governor, but just like Bokassa) would be affected by the economic pit we’re falling into. Even if the schools are closed and there’s no gas for emergency vehicles, you can be sure the governor will have his retinue of servants. Same for KKH: she’s got her two years of fat salary, and likely hopes to get Donald’s help so she can be re-elected, to help him loot us some more.
As for actually helping people’s day-to-day lives or making the reforms that might hurt some croney’s feelings but would make the CNMI a viable location for legitimate business? The governor feels your pain, of course. He’ll see what he can do about that. Right after he goes on another Trumpworld-funded trip, and enjoys another plate of Chinese lechon.
For shame.
_____
Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.
