Reconciling our duty to not enable addicts with our duty of mercy and compassion

It is not easy to be someone who loves a person in the throes of addiction. And I’m not just talking about meth or drug addiction. People who have family members or friends with untreated bipolar disorder or narcissistic personality disorder (and likely a range of other mental health issues) also struggle with their loved one’s insatiable appetite for attention. That’s an addiction, too.

The constant, unanswered question is, “How do I help them?”

How do you help an addict without enabling their addiction?

The short answer is that you can’t. But this is more complicated and deserves more than a short answer.

We need to get specific here, and not talk in platitudes. 

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The meth user in your family, who has kids and food stamps

Let’s say your brother and his wife are meth users, and they have custody of three young children. Because they put their meth use first (and most meth users absolutely will put their meth use before the needs of their children, even if they say they don’t), they neglect their children to varying degrees. They receive $2,000 a month in food stamps, and if they don’t mess up the renewal process, they receive those food stamps like clockwork on the fifth of each month. By the first week’s end, they’ve swapped half those food stamps for meth and for other things they need or want around the house. They buy $1,000 worth of food. That food lasts until the 30th. That means the kids do not have anything to eat outside of school lunches for about a week. They’ll have nothing to eat on Saturday and Sunday.

First of all, it should be a given that you provide no cash assistance whatsoever to your brother while he and his wife are users. That’s just common sense.

But what do you do about those four or five days your nephews and nieces have no food? Because, if you’ve been giving your brother food on that last week for the past few months, you’ve guaranteed in his mind that he can continue swapping $1,000 in food stamps for meth and he, his wife, and his kids will not be hungry in those final days before his food stamps come up for renewal because you will provide for them. Translation: You have enabled your brother’s drug use.

That helped no one. In fact, it continued to hurt your nephews and nieces; the one thing you did not want to happen. 

Do you just let them go hungry? On our islands, islands that are so heavily Christian, we need to ask, ‘What kind of Christian allows children or really anyone to go hungry?’

And that crossroads of our conscience is what makes us resent our loved ones struggling with addiction for their selfishness that tries our hearts and makes us question our capacity for mercy and compassion.

Our duty to be merciful and compassionate sometimes will call upon us to do things that will hurt us. To make sacrifices that will cut deep. But such is our calling in Christianity. Jesus Christ never said living a good life was as simple as attending Mass and saying the Holy Rosary once a day. In fact, he said that following Him comes with a cost; a price we will pay.

And oftentimes the crosses we bear require us to pick up the heavy pieces of destruction a loved one constantly throws upon the world. 

The truth is, we can’t let people go hungry. And we can’t sit by while children are suffering through their parents’ void. 

Bring your brother, his wife, and the kids into your home every day that week they are hungry. Cook them meals. And on the last day, before he gets his food stamps, tell him this:

“This is the last time – while you’re on drugs – that I am welcoming you and your kids into my home to feed you. If I find out after you get your food stamps this month that the kids don’t have food again, I will call social services to have them taken away from you and placed in a home where they will be loved as they should be loved.”

Maybe you can rear them. Maybe someone else in your family can. But you can’t give up on those kids. And you cannot enable your brother.

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Your alcoholic wife

Every night your wife hits the bottle with her friends. Every night she becomes belligerent and violent. Every morning she wakes late. She lost her job. The weight of your family’s struggle has fallen completely on you. But you love her, nonetheless.

The few times you tried to talk to her about her addiction did not end well for anyone in the house. The fewer times you refused to buy her alcohol resulted in tantrums, tears, and a suicide threat.

She told you about the pain of her past. The internal trauma she carries. Her need to escape reality. And you felt nothing but sorry for her.

Stop buying her alcohol. She might very well find another way to get her booze, but at least you’ve made it more difficult to feed her addiction. If she becomes violent, file a criminal report and tell the police and the prosecutor about her addiction so the courts can force her into recovery. If all else fails, remove yourself and your children from her presence until she chooses your family over her addiction. There’s a chance she won’t choose the right path. But there’s also a risk, if you stay, that she will really hurt you and the kids.

Try to embrace her and tell her you love her every step of this painstaking process toward healing and the breaking of her bondage to the bottle. What she needs more than the next fix is to know you love her beyond her addiction, and that you just want her to be well. 

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The bipolar friend who refuses to take his medication

Your bipolar friend showed no signs of mania or depression all the years you’ve known him, until now. He has become paranoid. He would insult you and accuse you of something ridiculous, and minutes later act like nothing bad happened.

For days you’ve tried to make sense of his change in behavior. During that time your relationship has become more and more toxic. And the more you speak with him, the more you do what he asks, the more he asks. The more attention he demands.

Your friend stopped taking his medication, you find out from a family member. They tell you this has happened before, years before you knew him. And then they tell you to stop paying attention to him.

But how do you stop paying attention to your friend? And how could his family just cut him off like that?

So you do what makes sense. You tell your friend you’re concerned, and you want to help him to get help. He blows up on you. “I’m not crazy!” Not only does he refuse to get any help, he believes in his heart of hearts he does not have a problem.

Soon your friend has lost all control on reality. He no longer has an income. He’s about to get kicked out of his home. His mania has gone public, hurting his reputation and any chance of finding work for the foreseeable future. He calls you and keeps you on the phone for hours jumping incoherently from one subject to the next. He calls you at 1 a.m. Then 1:12 a.m. Then 2:50 a.m. Then 3:12 a.m. You finally wake up to that call, and he goes on and on about how he needs to end his life.

You call the police because you’re concerned he really will take his life. They show up to his place, and he acts completely normal, saying nothing is wrong. 

No one can help him to get his mind better, because he refuses to admit he has a mental health problem.

Among his constant calls for your attention, he tells you in passing that he’s hungry.

Drop him food, and leave. Do not engage in conversation any further. When he calls you again, tell him you refuse to talk to him anymore until he checks himself into the Guam Behavioral Health and Wellness Center to get help. When he starts yelling at you, hang up the phone. Do not answer his calls.

He is addicted to your attention, and to attention in general. That’s precisely why his family cuts him off when he becomes this way. They know exactly what this is about, and they do not want to feed his addiction. At some point, he will fall so low, he will have no choice but to get help. Once he gets that help, be there for him. Support him. Encourage him.

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Mercy and compassion sometimes come in the form of what we would recognize colloquially as “tough love.” Their addiction to whatever it is has severely limited our options for how to help them. The worst thing we can do in our attempt to “help” them is to enable their addiction. That does nothing to help at all. There is nothing merciful or compassionate about fueling that addiction.

Oftentimes when dealing with this complicated issue, mercy and compassion demand that we make tough choices that will hurt us in order to help them. Crazy, isn’t it? So is addiction.