Two weeks of intense cravings for meth ended with a visit to Home Depot tonight

The young man in this picture is Darrell Hoyt. He works at Home Depot Guam, and tonight, unbeknownst to him, he helped me to shake off two weeks of the most intense cravings I have had for meth since I quit years ago. Allow me to explain.

The past two weeks, for no reason apparent to me, I have been struggling immense temptation and desire to abuse drugs. Recovering addicts will recognize, when I write that addiction never goes away. But, with time, good habits, routine, absence from other users and environments of drug use, and faith, the gulf between cravings grows.

I’ve had many cravings over the years to abuse drugs again, but those normally are triggered once in a blue moon, and counting to 10 does the trick to overcome the desire. The past two weeks were different. Without trigger, I have felt overwhelmed with strong impulses to press a needle into my arm vein and shoot up meth, multiple times a day. Sometimes, the cravings are just five minutes apart.

Each time, I do what works to overcome the desire. I exhale while speaking the words, “Devil out of me;” and inhale while whispering, “Holy Spirit come into me.” I do this three times.

It works. But it’s happened so often the past two weeks, I have been exhausted. And worried. I’ve been worried that in a second of weakness, I would surrender this journey of joy to a useless, valueless, empty discharge into delusion.

Until tonight.

I went to Home Depot to pick up a couple things, and Darrell was my cashier. He’s been my friend for a couple years after he introduced himself to me as a Kandit viewer. Always happy. Always kind and helpful. Each time I see him at Home Depot, I am reminded there is great hope for young people, and that people in his generation might be better stewards of this world than we have been.

Tonight, as he was ringing up my purchase, he brought up a story I published today and we talked about it for a few seconds. Then he said, “I always read what you guys post.”

I thanked him and said, as I say to most people when greeting them, “God bless you.” He replied, “God bless you.”

I loaded up the car, and as I was about to drive off, an old man – obviously homeless – was walking with a younger, also disheveled man through the parking lot. The old man was walking up slowly to a man and (who appeared to be) his son loading their car trunk. The old man held up a wrench while excusing his interruption into their evening and began to ask whether they wanted to buy the wrench.

I drove up to the old man – Filipino, by his accent – and realized he has to be in his 80s. Gave him the $10 I had. He thanked and blessed me, and I did as well, then drove away slowly, the foolishness of the past two weeks hitting me like a wall.

In the midst of all that temptation, the one thing I failed to remember is just how blessed I am to have what I have in life, and to have been given family and friends to love.

But what sealed the deal, were Darrell’s words, “I always read what you guys post.”

The story I wrote today, the one Darrell said he had just read, was about a federal search warrant after the DEA found meth in the mail.

Darrell reads the stories I write because he trusts my writing. He trusts me. He trusts that I have integrity. I could not absorb the disappointment and guilt if 0.3 mL of liquid meth hits my vein and destroys my integrity. How could I write about corruption and crime, or promote my faith on this platform if I break Darrell’s trust.

I really didn’t write this for anyone but myself. But, I’m sharing it because of Darrell and who he symbolizes to me: all of you. All of you, and your expectations of this news organization help to keep me accountable. You’re among a beautiful tapestry of reasons I choose life – and all its joys and sufferings – above meth.

In celebrating and thanking Darrell, I’m celebrating and expressing my gratitude to all of you. I’m celebrating another decision to stay sober. Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.