By Mabel Doge Luhan for Kandit News & Views
Donald Dump is right: these tariffs will save America.
But the Cuckolded Coxcomb is wrong about how. Of course tariffs won’t help the American economy, even if they help Don Junior’s coke oops I mean Coke fund. But they will save American democracy from Trump and his band of marauders.
Maybe Donald should’ve more carefully studied his hero: Adolf Hitler. Hitler was not only a better landscape painter than Dizzard Donnie, but was also better at securing his power.
Even a dictator needs popular support. Even more so when the dictator is trying to increase his reach. You simply cannot hold on to power if everyone hates you. That’s why Kim Jong-Un (both the one in North Korea and the one that used to rule our islands) gives out lavish gifts — not because of generosity, but because even he needs a solid base of supporters.
When Hitler appointed himself Chancellor in 1933, it was in combination, and on the tailwinds of, delivering on economic goods. 1930’s American tariffs (!!!) had sent the world into depression (this was before the invention of mirtazapine aperitifs). Hitler used massive deficit spending, and then accounting sleight-of-hand (hello, Rafet — allegedly, of course) to magically create spending and embark on a lavish fiscal policy.
The Nazis created MEFO. Just think of it as BOOST! It was a way to surreptitiously boost Germany’s dying economy. Except instead of spending federal dollars, MEFO used a “private company” (wink wink nudge nudge) that issued letters of credit as payment to government contractors. Also unlike BOOST, MEFO’s actual purpose was primarily creating employment and demand — payouts to cronies were a secondary purpose, but far down the list, especially because MEFO was paying contractors with highly questionable self-issued letters of credit, not real cash.
It was thanks to MEFO, as well as borrowing to the hilt domestically and internationally, that Nazi Germany was able to suddenly create nearly full employment, built the Autobahns, and invent the VW Beetle! They also expanded — not cut back — social programs such as welfare, education, and free healthcare.
Oh, by the way, they also dismantled democracy, got rid of any checks on Hitler’s power, and turned the entire government into a cult of Hitler-personality — but for most average people, it was worth it. After all, who cares about democracy, when at least we can afford eggs and schnitzel?
As far as average folks knew, the Nazis were delivering an economic miracle. It was financed by borrowing, money-printing, and shadow-accounting — but none of that was widely known, and few people would have cared. Their stomachs were for the most part full. They let Hitler take complete power, and turn what had been a vibrant (though economically destitute) democracy into a maniacal, murderous dictatorship.
How about our very own Fat Hitler, the Mango Mooncalf? As much as he idolizes his slimmer predecessor, he is not following the Dummy’s Guide to Dictatorship. Say what you will about Hitler’s insanity, but at least Hitler (or his henchmen) had strategic politics nailed down: they knew that since ancient times, you’d have to deliver the economic goods if you want to become an autocrat.
Meanwhile, Donald Dump has not the slightest idea. Our very own Criminal Clotpoll is completely destroying economic prosperity. Or at least American economic prosperity. Almost as if doing it intentionally. Sure, Trumpworld may be running insider trading schemes to profit on this personally, and Putin is likely laughing all the way to the bank — but Americans, overall, are getting poorer and poorer every day Donnie the Dolt holds office.
Just look at the YouGov/Economist poll conducted April 5-8:
https://d3nkl3psvxxpe9.cloudfront.net/documents/econtoplines_Emo4hnf.pdf
Goodness, is Donnie underwater in the polls! Why, he’s less popular than Cory Booker! Check out those numbers particularly on opinions of his handling of the economy and inflation, which not surprisingly, is the issue most people see as most important. And how people answered about whether they’d vote R or The D in the midterms. Why, we can look forward to a beautiful, beautiful midterm election season in 2026 — and before that, likely a Congress that will finally locate its own nutsack and rein in the destruction Trumpworld is wreaking.
We’re lucky that Trumpworld doesn’t know much about history or economics. (With the exception of Scott Bessent, who made a brilliant transition from literal to political cocksucker.) Lucky indeed. Because Trumpworld has completely screwed up every step of the dictatorship-installation process, and we have to be grateful.
Think about the world’s most notorious dictators. Chairman Mao’s forces didn’t go to villages talking about Marxism; they handed out free rice and promised to discuss the details (and mass genocide) later. Augusto Pinochet delivered absolutely impressive economic growth in Chile — largely by ELIMINATING TARIFFS — and his power grab, abolition of the rule of law, and mass executions of opponents were just inconvenient footnotes for most people. Same story with Jorge Videla, who rose to fully tumescent dictatorship largely on ELIMINATING TARIFFS and therefore stimulating Argentina’s economy like it was an elderly heiress’s long-neglected left nipple (ANY RESEMBLANCE COINCIDENTAL). Throwing priests out of helicopters was just an inconvenient detail.
We Americans are luckier than a shirtless addict at the poker parlor. Our wannabe Hitler / Mao / Pinochet / Videla has none of the economic chops of those other four. He will politically destroy himself by the combination of poor impulse control, economic illiteracy, and more untreated psychoses than the Marianas Variety online comments section!
I have faith these tariffs, and all the other absolutely harmful economic “policy” coming from Trumpworld, will be the making of their political downfall. Their brand will be as toxic as that of the Republicans who passed America’s 1930 tariffs — an action immediately followed by a three-term Democratic president, FDR.
This time, anyway. But what if America’s next wannabe dictator is not an impulsive, illiterate idiot? What if he or she knows to deliver the economic goods, in a way Trumpworld has no idea how to do? Will we throw away democracy for bread and circuses?
I’ll let you answer that. Before I ponder it, MY BATMAN NEEDS TO REFILL MY OPIUM PIPE. And I’m gladly paying triple what I used to pay for my Chinese molasses, because those tariffs will save us.
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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.
