By Mabel Doge Luhan
It’s so difficult finding good help these days!
Why, just this morning, my wheelman couldn’t locate his glass eye, so I had to find an alternate means to reach Garapan from Kagman V!
Fortunately, even though a girl’s got places to go, I didn’t need my wheelman to get there. As of 2024, in Saipan we have not just a public transportation authority, but public transportation! So I made it down to the bus stop in Kagman V, and a bus actually showed up! The CNMI government positively impresses me some days.
https://transit.cnmi.gov/fixed-route-bus-system-live/
But then, again trouble with the hired help! According to the sign on the bus, there was a $0.50 discount for being 55 years of age. That’s a good start, but as I insisted to the driver, I can apply that discount twice, to make my fare free, then apply it about two thirds of the way again — meaning that the driver owed me two quarters for the privilege of me riding his undersized bus. Too bad this carriage hack had failed basic Mabelmatics and failed to see my point! Well, I made such a hullabaloo that he finally threw two quarters at me, told me to sit down, and even informed me of his favorite ice cream flavor (LECHE).
Mabel 1, Substandard Service 0.
Then something came over me. A feeling of bonhomie, and it wasn’t just the mirtazapine shake! A feeling of pride, maybe, that we actually have a functioning bus service here in the CNMI.
It won’t make much personal difference to me — at least once the wheelman finds his glass eye in the butter churn, where I’d thrown it in a fit of rage — but for a good segment of the CNMI, this is going to be life-changing. $1 as opposed to $4 is big bucks. Even better for the older folks, who not only get a discount, but get a friendly driver and a vehicle that can fit their wheelchairs. As much as I support legalizing the “illegal” Prius taxis, at my age, I DON’T APPRECIATE THE CAVALIER WAY THOSE YOUNG MEN DRIVE THEIR MOTOR-CARS. The bus drivers are much more CONSCIENTIOUS, and unlike those Priuses, the buses don’t smell like Pall Malls and whores’ breath.
The MVA could and should publicize these public buses. (Can they? Will they? Or does Saipan’s taxi mafia have them by the landing gear?) This can be huge for tourists. Yes, the buses only go up and down Beach Road, and only until 8 p.m., but that’s a start. A very big start.
What worries me, though, is there’s nobody in the CNMI government who’s obviously making a personal profit from this bus project. With most CNMI government projects, it’s trivially easy to figure out who’s profiting, and who’s going to make sure this project lasts so they can keep feeding at the trough. Not so with this one.
Does anyone know of any politician who’s in the bus tire business or the bus seat business or the bus something business, so I can be sure that this project will continue?
Like so many CNMI government initiatives that lack a financially motivated insider, this bus service might just sort of fade away, as it did the previous time there was a bus service attempted. (Let’s play “What happened to the…,” the official game of CNMI government initiatives that died for lack of a financially interested inside backer.) Certainly the fares aren’t making anyone any money, and being a bus driver is too demanding to be a political sinecure.
So I ask you, dear readers, this: Make sure your elected officials know how much you appreciate the bus service. Write to them. Facebook at them. Visit them in person. Because with all the vehicles we’re leasing them (and in some cases, all the drivers we’ve hired for them), they’re certainly not taking the bus, and won’t appreciate it.
Let’s let them know how much we like the bus. And let’s see if MVA can, instead of gallivanting in the Malaysian islands, try to get this bus service boosted to cover more of the island, more of the time, and with less of a wait. Absolutely anything is possible in this crazy world of ours, as long as it doesn’t involve Tim Scott and a vagina.
Speaking of vaginas, soon after arriving in Garapan, I made my way to Godfather’s, where I suddenly remembered that my landing strip was shaved since the Feast of the Circumcision, and that a strapping young law clerk on the next stool over was very much DTF! Fortunately, there was a bus stop outside his residence for the next morning’s woozy-headed ride home. I certainly am not going to tell anything of this to my wheelman — and considering how good this bus service is, I may just stomp on his glass eye and fire him for insubordination!
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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.
