Attacking, rather than helping, people without homes is public service and journalism gone wrong

By Mabel Doge Luhan

In these very unsettling times and the coming reign of King Leer, we can still take comfort in the reliable Emmanuel Erediano and Marianas Variety. No matter what, we can count on Erediano and the Variety to kick vulnerable people, and the English language, in the nuts!

“House, DPS meet to address nuisance from ‘homeless’ individuals,” the headline tells us.
There are quotation marks around the term “homeless” in the headline, and throughout the article. Normally, this would indicate that these people are purportedly homeless but not really homeless. Of course, that would only be if the Variety used standard English. But the variety uses “English,” so who knows what in tarnation Erediano’s quotation marks mean.

We even get a photo to illustrate, in case we didn’t know to whom this refers! Erediano took a photo of some poor shirtless guy, from behind, without his knowledge, and published the photo with the caption saying this guy — oops, sorry, “individual,” because that word fills more space — is “believed to be homeless.”

Believed by whom? Erediano? Is this supposed to be an opinion column of Emmanuel Erediano’s speculations on people’s housing situations? If not, then believed by whom? Of course Erediano won’t tell us. And homey in the photo is neither a “ranking official” nor Caucasian, so Erediano & Co aren’t scared to shame and belittle him in their sad little cumrag of a newspaper.

The article goes on and on about wanting DPS to “do something” about people who don’t fit the image we want to project to tourists. Because rather than fixing poverty, mental health challenges, and drug addiction, we just want to hide the victims out of sight.

Amazingly, neither our esteemed legislators nor DPS make any mention of any legal basis for harassing or detaining these purported human nuisances. Are they breaking a law? If so, what law? When someone steals hundreds of millions of dollars from us, the Variety believes it’s not worth prosecuting — but when someone doesn’t fit Erediano’s grooming standards (and isn’t well-connected), well, I guess it’s time to talk about getting rid of them!

It’s astounding that when the police and the legislature publicly propose rounding up and detaining a bunch of people who are not accused of any crime, this “reporter” doesn’t think to ask any questions about the basis of the detention, nor even mention that in the article. But just imagine if Jim Kingman proposes putting an alleged half-billion-dollar thief on trial! The Variety, especially Zaldy, would fall on their puny swords to defend [the thief]!

Hilariously, Manny Castro suggests, “Perhaps, we need DPS to form a unit to find out where are these guys coming from.” Why, yes. An anthropology unit at DPS would be a great way to hire some relatives, wouldn’t it? It would certainly produce a lot of public benefit to “find out where are these guys coming from.” Maybe we can also have a unit to trace human migration patterns throughout Micronesia?

Were any actual experts on substance abuse, homelessness, or mental health called into this meeting? Of course not.

Any mention of enforcing actual, existing laws, such as the laws against cockfighting, littering, public smoking, unmarked pricing, price fixing, and kids riding in the back of pickup trucks? Those are laws that address tourists’ actual complaints. But of course we won’t enforce them — that would involve policing well-connected people, not deathly ill, possibly unhoused, Micronesians.

Instead, DPS, the House, and the Variety are going to bully and scapegoat people who most likely aren’t breaking any laws.

It’s a lot easier than doing something real. Biba!

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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.