‘We’re not Ralph’ isn’t good enough


No real change so far; the bribes, gangsters, and underwhelming overtures continue

By Mabel Doge Luhan

How soon is now?

Our Commonwealth’s problems were supposed to get better after we fired Bose of Boise’s leading customer. He allegedly managed to nick some furniture and pickups on his way out, sure, but that was all nothing compared to how much better things would be soon, we hoped. Real soon.

Or how soon is real soon, actually?

We inaugurated — or as the CNMI’s reporters always put it, “installed” — Arnold Palacios and David Apatang to lead our executive branch on January 11, 2023.

That was 636 days ago. That’s over three hundred Wrestlemanias, at least when they switched to a two-day event in 2020 because I found the single-day event too exhausting both physically and sexually.

And after nearly two years, Palacios and Apatang have done a lot. Or not really. Their main achievement seems to be that they haven’t done a lot. They haven’t robbed the place. Which is indeed notable and remarkable, and somewhat unusual, in light of recent history. But they did basically run on a platform of “We won’t rob you.”

It’s a bit like Herbert Hoover’s reelection slogan: “I never kissed Hitler.” It’s perfectly true and honest. Only a bit underwhelming.

Because nearly two years after P&A’s inauguration, we are still in the fiscal crapper. And, mind you, the previous occupants did allegedly steal everything up to and including the literal office furniture, but we’d most likely be in the fiscal crapper even if they hadn’t.

I’m all for giving our leaders time. But P&A are now halfway into their term. And still:

 

  1. The prosecution of Ralph Torres has been hamstrung by a judge and a defense team pulling out every delaying tactic in the book — and frustratingly, the Governor not moving forward in appointing a special prosecutor to do what it takes to follow through on the prosecution. Yes, Ralph’s alleged misdeeds are all in the past. But so is all crime. If we didn’t prosecute crimes that were in the past, we wouldn’t prosecute much of anything, would we? Even Jim-Bob Kingman is human, and I can only hope that he keeps on keeping on, because he must feel like Carole Rome on her wedding night: tremendously frustrated.

  2. We still have absolutely, patently, ridiculously wasteful government departments that even my least intelligent falcon (I named him Zaldy) knows have no purpose other than providing reliable do-nothing paychecks (plus health insurance, cars, phones, meals, and travel) to political cronies. We still have three casino commissions. We still have a fully staffed government for the Northern Islands. We still have a highly paid Cannabis Commission. And we’re still giving millions to MVA, part of it for “certifying tour guides,” because apparently we just have too many tour guides running around. This is when the judiciary is literally out of money, and the entire government is tens of millions of dollars behind where it’s supposed to be.

  3. We still have government departments, and government employees, who make their living on discouraging business activity in the CNMI — unless, of course, one is willing to make a donation in cash or meth. Which — listen up closely — legitimate businesses WILL NOT DO, and WILL SIMPLY GO SOMEWHERE ELSE TO SET UP SHOP. In this time of desperation for any business activity, why in the world are we harassing businesses with Zoning, Commerce, Business Licensing, and all the rest? Of course, because politically important people depend on the salaries, the offices, and the bribes. We still have a requirement for businesses to file and pay taxes monthly as well as yearly. This is bonkers. Nowhere else in the United States has a requirement like this (excepting special rules for some gigantic taxpayers in some US states). We still have a Department of Labor that is hellbent on stopping any labor from actually happening in our Commonwealth, in favor of performatively honoring the imagined grievances of non-workers. Nowhere else in the United States requires an employer to seek authorization from a government body (of, let’s say, not the sharpest beaks in the mews) before hiring or firing people, nor does anywhere else in the United States require an employer to submit “workforce plans.” This is 100% how to make our economy 100% dependent on government and gangsters. We’ve been doing a fine job of that.

  4. Our main industry is supposed to be tourism. Tourists have said loud and clear on social media what bothers them and keeps them from returning. Exorbitant prices for hotels, taxis, and food. An airport that one Korean tourist posting online compared to “a village in Cambodia,” with $4 for a bottle of water. A lack of variety in available businesses, especially restaurants. All of this could be fixed in a week, and for a few thousand dollars. Legalize the “illegal” taxis, break the cartels, encourage and allow small restaurants to open, and set up a big cooler or fridge full of free water bottles in the airport’s passenger area. This would do a lot more than the millions we’re throwing at the Malaysian Vacation Association to tour the world’s five-star resorts.

  5. We complain about a lack of workers, customers, renters, and employees. But Donald Manglona’s bill that would no longer require immigration status to get a driver’s license has been sitting for how many months now? And the clock keeps ticking. We have a store of people ready and willing to participate in our economy, if we just let them. How many of our supposed leaders have addressed improved status for people with expired immigration authorization or seriously discussed a laborer center for such people?

 

So how much has changed? Is their not being cartoon bandits (allegedly) carting off office furniture sufficient to make this administration “better?”

Or put differently, how much better than bad is good enough?

And if after two years, the administration has done nothing about some of our most pressing and obvious problems (also the most politically dangerous, of course), then should we give them 636 more agupas?

My friend (with benefits, of course) Louis Althusser pointed out that “L’Avenir Dure Longtemps” — agupa lasts forever.

Too bad, however, that dollars, residents, and economic opportunities do not.

So how soon is now? Or is the best we can hope for another two years of agupas?

_____
Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.


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