How dare we oppose murder and gun violence, you almighty men!

[Editor’s note: This article by Mabel Doge Luhan is in response to the reaction to her first article – “So, about that horrible sign in Guam” – on the Guam attorney general’s ‘meth and guns’ billboard. Just in case it does not come across abundantly clear, the following article by Ms. Luhan is satirical. According to the Oxford Dictionary, satire is “the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”]

By Mabel Doge Luhan

Oh, fame! I’m no Coco Hernandez, but thanks to my previous column, I’ve made quite a name for myself in glamorous Guam. And not in a good way.

According to my tallyman, I’m still less well-liked than brown tree snakes, but I have a small lead over Guam PD and cancer. Indeed, while nobody wrote in to compliment my Neutral Milk Hotel callout, quite a few readers were outraged by my opposition to murder.

Thank you also to the reader who sent a food item, and detailed instructions on what I should do with it: I didn’t follow your recipe, as I didn’t have a broomstick handy, but I did puree a splendid cucumber mousse!

In any case, your arguments were persuasive, especially when accompanied by GIFs. I’ve changed my mind on the issue. I am no longer anti-murder. I’m not even murder-neutral, and I’m way beyond just murder-friendly. I’m now extremely pro-murder. As long as someone is likelier than average to commit crimes, we should murder them, while kneeling provocatively in heels and extremely tight jeans.

That makes a lot of sense! Gun down the meth addicts, or anyone else who is likely to commit a crime, before they can do it.

But one minority group is even more disproportionately likely to commit crimes than meth addicts. We’re not supposed to talk about the facts in polite company, of course. We’re supposed to pretend everyone is equal, especially when someone from that minority group is around. Oh, how they hate being called out on their own group’s faults! They think they’re all equal!

But how can everyone be equal when a minority of the population is responsible for almost all the violent crime? The newspapers are too politically correct to point out the ACTUAL REAL CRIME STATISTICS. Because THE FACTS DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, and there’s a CERTAIN MINORITY GROUP that commits pretty much all the crime in Guam, and in the entire US. And we need to gun them down.

According to the FBI, in 2011 (and the stats have stayed basically the same since then) one minority group was responsible for 88% of US arrests for murder and manslaughter, 88% of US arrests for robbery, and 99% of US arrests for forcible rape.


And in England and Wales, that very same minority group is responsible for committing 93% of homicides.


Most of our society’s criminals, from murderers to rapists to robbers to petty thieves, are from one minority group: men. Or XYs, as I prefer to call them. 

It’s not sexism. I’m just a gender realist!

XYs are responsible for most crime. In fact, being male raises your likelihood of committing violent crime more than being addicted to meth does.

So why are we looking for meth addicts, when we can just murder all the men? The woman on the billboard was FOLLOWING GOOD ADVICE EVEN IF SHE DIDN’T KNOW IT. Did you notice, or has the woke left made you try not to notice — the criminal she gunned down on the poster is definitely a MAN.

Luckily, XYs tend to be physically larger than regular people, so quite a bit easier to hit with a bullet. XYs are also more susceptible to cardiovascular disease, so that bullet is much more likely to be lethal! Isn’t it beautiful how it works out? It’s obvious that Goddess wanted us to be gunning down as many men as we can find, and She made sure of it!

“But addiction disorders are a choice, while being a man isn’t a choice!” I can hear the critics mewing. Oh it is a choice. They are men because they want to be men. Gender change treatment is available, and it’s only about as difficult, as expensive, and as failure-prone as quitting meth!

So let’s get to it! Girls, pull up your Glocks and let’s hunt men! Shoot to kill. For safety. For your family. For Goddess. Better an XY than your loved one.


Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.


  • Russ Mason

      03/10/2024 at 3:53 PM

    Mabel has a gift for bringing up topics that are of no interest to me. Regardless of her subject, it’s external to me and eminently dismissable.

  • I still do t understand her logic as all feels don’t have any , they feed off of emotions which is understandable . Pro life is what real 2A law abiding citizen, to those that provide protection to themselves and love ones. We aren’t super hero’s , we leave that to the police authority’s . When you come across a threat that is willing to take your life and your families life just to feed its fix. Any 2A law abiding citizen is willing to stop the threat at all cost if there are no authority’s near by to protect and defend his/her family.
    We don’t go out and just murder, people that say that have no common sense and logic in thier right mind and must be re evaluated. So the right to protect yourself and your family is a right that must be up held at his highest.
    Pro life , life Is precious, protect yourself and love ones

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