Props to James Camacho, who was recently arrested with a devilish cache of meth on his person. No big ups to anyone for using or especially distributing poison. But indeed daps are due to Mr. Camacho for knowing his rights and, according to the Marianas Variety article (“Corrections finds 111 grams of meth on arrestee”), refusing to be searched.
I had been wanting to write about this almost since Powell v. Albama! I hesitated because I foolishly feared a negative net social effect of this information becoming widely known in the CNMI. Some meth stays off our streets and outside our familias’ bodies, I thought, because most users and dealers don’t know their legal rights.
I was wrong, though. First, I was wrong factually. As that horribly foul-mouthed David Mamet fellow had one of his characters say, “You know who’s not scared of the cops? Thieves.” The dealers, even the Chinese dealers, already know to refuse searches. Maybe the info has filtered down from their lawyers into the meth-dealing community’s collective know-how.
And secondly, I was wrong in not wanting the accused to know their rights. Under the rule of law, the ends don’t justify the means. Even meth dealers deserve to know their legal rights. AS MY SILVERSINGLES PROFILE WARNS, I AM A DEONTOLOGIST, DEAL WITH IT!!! ALSO, I AM VERY CHINESE MOLASSES FRIENDLY.
So here we go.
Let’s start with something more basic than the cops. Let’s start with Joeten Superstore. And them demanding to see your receipt and inspect your stuff when you leave the store. You can show them your receipt and your goods if you want.
But you can also not show them your receipt and your goods if you don’t want to. That’s your right. Nobody can compel you to accept being searched as a condition of leaving their store. As a condition of entering their store — maybe, under some circumstances. As a condition of leaving — absolutely no way. You can leave anytime you want. And if they refuse to let you leave, that’s false imprisonment, and not just a crime, but fertile grounds for a big fat lawsuit. If they touch you, or threaten to physically restrain you, that’s assault and possibly battery, also a possible lawsuit.
So how does Costco get away with requiring the receipt-check and goods-inspection? Costco does it as a condition of membership. If you refuse the receipt-check and goods-inspection, Costco won’t stop you from leaving the store. They’ll just cancel your membership. Which is their right. There’s no membership for Joeten Superstore to cancel.
But Joeten Superstore wants to protect against theft? That’s not the customer’s problem.
But you’re scared that Joeten Superstore will call the cops? Let them. And you are under no obligation to wait for the cops to come. Just keep walking. And then check up on whether the Joeten employees lied to the police — which, unlike walking out of a grocery store, is a crime.
Or maybe you’re afraid that Joeten Superstore will publicly call you a thief? Yeah, that’s defamation. Get your lawyer ready.
Or you believe their signs that they “reserve the right to refuse service” to anybody? That sign carries as much legal weight as a t-shirt that says “Female Body Inspector.”
I see so many people obviously hassled and inconvenienced at Joeten Superstore by showing that receipt and letting the guard check their stuff, absolutely ignorant of the fact that they don’t need to.
You can just say, “I don’t want to show my receipt,” and keep walking. If the employees (or contracted security guards) try to block you, start making video, for evidence in your lawsuit. YOU MIGHT MAKE MORE MONEY FROM THE LAWSUITS THAN EVEN ZAJI’S WILDEST DREAMS!
What if it’s a police officer who wants to search you? They need to have a search warrant (for that specific place), or probable cause (which your lawyer can challenge later). Here’s the important part: IF A POLICE OFFICER ASKS YOU IF THEY CAN SEARCH YOU, THAT MEANS THEY DON’T HAVE A WARRANT OR PROBABLE CAUSE. If they had either one, they’d be already searching, not asking. And if you say “no,” they will say some stuff about you can make this easy or you can make this hard, or what are you afraid of if you have nothing to hide, blah blah. Smile at them, continue to refuse to be searched, and make the universal hand gesture of masturbation, WHILE MAINTAINING SOLID EYE CONTACT WITH THE OFFICER, AND MOANING A LITTLE. (Here’s a TRAINING:
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If the police come to your home’s door (without a search warrant, signed by a judge, to show you), don’t open the door. Some warrants allow them to search only if the door isn’t closed. You can talk with them through the door, or through a slit in the window. That’s only if you want to talk with them at all — and you are under no obligation to talk to them.
If they come to your home’s door with an arrest warrant for you, that generally doesn’t give them the right to enter your home. Let them wait for you outside. And you don’t have to go outside. (And be aware of tricks used to get you to go outside to be arrested, like someone calling and saying there’s a delivery for you.)
If a police officer stops you in public and suspects you of being involved in a crime, you may be required to have a brief interaction and maybe even to show ID if you’re carrying it. That’s called a Terry stop. Look it up. You may be required to give your name and say what you’re doing. But beyond that? You’re not obligated to talk to the cops.
And most importantly? If the police want you to “come in for a talk” or “to tell your side of the story,” never, ever do it. This applies whether you did something illegal or not, or whether it’s before or after your arrest. Their job is trying to get you to incriminate yourself. And even people who didn’t actually commit a crime end up wrongfully incriminating themselves by a poor choice of words.
There is no such thing as talking yourself out of trouble. If the police stopped investigating anyone who claimed they were innocent, our jails would be empty.
When the officers give you your Miranda rights after an arrest, they will try to make it seem like it’s just a formality and it’s not a good thing for you to abide by — but those rights are there to protect YOU. And you should damn well remain silent. Always. Probably even all the way through your trial. Don’t say a goshdarned thing!
The job of the police is to get evidence to arrest you, and once they’ve arrested you, their job is to get evidence to convict you. If they already had evidence to arrest you or convict you, they wouldn’t bother asking you questions.
By the way, the police can lie to you as much as they want, whether during an investigation or during an interview. They can claim they have all the evidence they need to send you away for a long time. They can claim they have video. They can claim they have witnesses. It can all be a lie, and it’s perfectly legal.
They can also lie to you about being able to get you a special deal or “asking the judge to go easy on you” if you “just tell them the truth.” Convictions and sentencings are performed by judges and juries, not by the police. Judges and juries don’t take orders from cops.
Watch this video and memorize this website.
https://www.aclu.org/know-
THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE LAW AND PROVIDE ONLY ILLEGAL ADVICE. I AM AN OPINION COLUMNIST WITH MY PROFESSIONAL EXPERTISE EXCLUSIVELY IN FALCONRY, CROCHET, OPIUM, HULA HOOPS, AND FORGERY. AN OPINION COLUMNIST CAN TELL LIES ALL DAY LONG: JUST LOOK AT THOMAS FRIEDMAN!
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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.
