By Mabel Doge Luhan
Oh goodness! I was afraid that if Bryan Manabat learned to write, I’d have to retire! Well, he did learn to write. His latest articles in the Marianas Variety are spot-on, professional, and even grammatical. He did refer to Monterey Park (in the meth mail article) as Monterey, which is an error nobody familiar with the two towns would ever make. But that’s above his pay grade, and he’s forgiven. Still, with how things are going in the Commonwealth now, there’s no way I’m ever hanging up my quill pen.
Erediano’s July 12th article brings me mirth! “Air transport woes top agenda of Marianas lawmakers assembly,” apparently. EVERY TIME “TOP” APPEARS IN A VARIETY HEADLINE AS A VERB, A POWER BOTTOM IN KOBLERVILLE GETS HIS WINGS.
While the CNMI Judiciary — the foundation of law and order in our Commonwealth — might be left unfunded (MY BATMAN AND I HAVE PREPARED OUR MACES FOR THE PURGE!), our lawmakers are traveling to Guam, to discuss airfares! They’re going to vacation in Guam to talk about vacationing in Guam.
Erediano’s poor grasp of grammar leads him to this beautiful Freudian slip, where he tells a little too much truth: “[The] first item on their agenda was transportation as selected by the lawmakers themselves.”
Indeed, transportation as selected by the lawmakers themselves. That’s what this is all about. And what better way to complain about how expensive it is to visit relatives on Guam than on a government-paid trip to Guam!
Erediano brings up an “‘open skies’ transport agreement” in the beginning of the article, but fails to tell us what that would entail. It’s one of those Variety reporter “if I just pretend everyone knows what it is, no one will notice that I have no idea what it is” moments.
It’s nice to hear that Joe Guerrero speaks for “the CNMI private sector,” and even controls that private sector’s gratitude! Is this related to “the business community” that we always hear about? Or the munch group?
“So to the detractors out there,” Alex Sablan said. THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING ME IN YOUR PROLEGOMENON.
Apparently, according to Mr. Sablan, they were there to “talk about systemic issues that affect all of us in the Marianas.” Systemic issues! Wow! Sounds fancy! Indeed, air service between remote islands being more expensive than people in the CNMI can afford is a “systemic issue” — but can a bunch of legislators solve it?
Ed Propst (is this an inopportune time for me to announce that despite his flaws, I’m heartily endorsing him for Delegate?) noted that the meeting “benefits us all when we are able to achieve affordable transportation between our islands.” Right. Except rather than “when,” he means “if.” In the hypothetical, counterfactual sense.
Because how in the world could a bunch of island legislators overcome the basic facts of the cost of fuel and aircraft leasing and crew being incompatible with the low productivity and incomes in the CNMI? We might as well have a meeting about the “systemic issue” of how Guam is so darn far from Saipan, one that will be a success “when are able to move it closer.”
I always hate it when Zaldy Dandan is right, but this reminds me of one of his diatribes about the ultimate issue being a lack of money — one that no amount of trips and meetings will solve.
Propst continued: “But we do hope to remind our critics … that … this conference [or] this travel was made possible through an Office of Insular Affairs grant and if we did not use it, we will lose it.”
MABEL SAYS HI BACK! Also, you do realize, Mr. Propst, that you were elected and are paid (minimally) to do work for the people, right? Even if the travel was bought with federal money, your Guam vacation isn’t really “free” if it means you’re away from doing work for us, the people of the CNMI. And did you hear that the judiciary — the very foundation of law and order in our society — is in danger of running out of money? Isn’t that just a wee bit more important than meeting your friends to complain about airfares?
Also, apparently, because of Chinese aggression, “we must have these regular meetings,” Propst says. Wait. Why? Does he know that the CNMI doesn’t have an army? And the Department of Defense (or, as the Variety would call it, “the U.S. Department of Defense”) is, you know, handling things? I’m sure they appreciate Ed’s help, but they’ve been managing the whole “national defense” thing ok without him.
Then there’s this: apparently the Tinian divert airfield “puts every one of us in the Marianas at risk.” How? Yes, the airfield itself would be a legitimate military target in the event of war. But anything outside the airfield would not be. And while I wouldn’t trust China to follow international law on war (nor anything else), whether or not we have a divert airfield wouldn’t change their ability or willingness to attack civilian targets in the CNMI. Also, what does meeting in Guam to complain about airfares have to do with the “risk” of an attack from China?
Finally Erediano explains what the “open skies” bit refers to. It’s a misnomer, because open skies agreements are usually between two countries. As our people often forget, but the newspaper should know, neither Guam nor the CNMI is a country. It is a bit sticky, because the weird situation of both being outside US Customs means that they can actually enter into “trade agreements” with each other — but “open skies” agreements? No. That is all under DOT. Or as the Variety would call it, “the US DOT.” (As opposed to which other one?)
And all it comes down to is asking for a cabotage exemption. Well why didn’t you just say so? And why do you need to meet in Guam when Kilili has already been working on it?
But the absolute peak of the article is at the end. Where Dwayne San Nicolas proposes, apparently not jokingly, a criminal conspiracy that would make the Torres gang look like boy scouts. We are going to apparently use public money to buy shares of an airline, enough shares to get seats on the board of the airline. Then use those seats to get lower airfares for the voters in CNMI and Guam.
THIS IS AN EXCELLENT PLOT FOR A ZANY NETFLIX COMEDY FILM!
In the real world though, not only would this proposed criminal conspiracy require many times more money than the annual budgets of the CNMI and Guam combined, but it would lead to Si Dwayne playing Lompoc Santa Claus for the rest of his years. Let’s see: conspiracy, RICO, honest services fraud, securities fraud, wire fraud, Sarbanes-Oxley violations, and oh so many more!
And neglecting the criminality of Si Dwayne’s plan — why do our politicians always come up with hare-brained ideas like this, rather than just handing out money to the people?
A scheme like this would cost a few thousand dollars for every person in the CNMI and Guam, for the questionable and convoluted benefit of lower airfare. So why not just hand out a few thousand dollars to every person in the CNMI and Guam?
Oh, right, because that would be cutting out the middleman: the politicians.
I HATE IT WHEN I SOUND LIKE ZALDY.
_____
Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.
