By Mabel Doge Luhan for Mabel’s Table, Kandit News & Views
Laudanum froyo just hasn’t been enough to get my mind off of the coming coronation of President Musk and Vice President Putin. I needed a getaway, and even my Calgon douche wasn’t doing it.
Why, what does any CNMI government official do in that situation? Travel! And just like all the world’s other travelers, I absolutely refuse to take connecting flights — so the only place I could travel was Guam!
I took along my most intelligent falcon, Sir Belvedere. This little junket would be his reward for having filmed himself on TikTok eating so much Metamucil as to cancel the outdoor inauguration! Why, I even rewarded him with a line of coke! (FOR VETERINARY USE ONLY)
But actually, I was in Guam on business. As you may have heard, I have grudgingly allowed President Musk to use MY MIDDLE NAME for his new government efficiency initiative — the one that will weed out the useless five-figure tax credits that made Tesla a government-funded success.
And like a voraciously circling fiscal falcon, I have definitely identified some freeloading government-funded waste, right in Guam!
I have found one of those BROWN SKINNED freeloaders from the mainland US who treat Guam as their personal charity! Why, the Marianas are Christian islands, not some kind of soup kitchen!
And check out this freeloader I spotted: He claims to have been born in California in 1966 and made his way to Guam at some point (JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER FREELOADERS) and has been more or less consistently collecting GovGuam checks since the 1990s! Why, that was back when Donald Turnip could get an erection!
Just last year, this freeloader got almost two hundred thousand dollars in government benefits, $148,000 of which was cash! The government even paid for his cellphone and his healthcare — it must have been one of those Obamaphones and Obamacares! And get this — for next year, he wants MORE PUBLIC BENEFITS, just a modest raise to $177,000! Of course, $177,000 is nothing compared to how much money he’s collected over the decades he’s been collecting those government checks.
Not only was he collecting government checks, but like most freeloaders, he had had some, let’s say ISSUES, paying his child support! (Guam Supreme Court Case CVA01-020, Guerrero v. Moylan.) When will this culture of irresponsibility ever end?
And indeed, was he really born in America? Just look at his attempt to speak English:
“With dropping tourism numbers, and the devalued Asia exchange rate, panhandling & homeless encampments threatens Guam’s economic tourism engine and therefore all our quality of life.”
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Background: On January 20, Guam Attorney General Douglas Moylan issued a statement critical of the Leon Guerrero administration’s handling of the unhoused. He blamed the unhoused for dismal tourism numbers and said the governor should encamp them at Adelup, police their stay there, and “vet” the occupants.]
Why, with that broken English, he must be a MIGRANT! ADIOS MUCHACHO, I SAY. We’ve had enough of Joe Biden’s African-coddling. President Musk will not stand for it!
Of course, the least these migrants could do is to learn a little bit about American law and society, but not surprisingly, this guy refuses!
When he spends all day posting online in broken English instead of doing any work, he seems to be convinced that… Hawaii somehow “doesn’t tolerate” homeless people?
Of course, he doesn’t care to learn anything about the great 50th state of our Union:
Hawaii has an extensive support system for people experiencing homelessness. And yes, Hawaii “doesn’t tolerate” homelessness — in that it won’t let people be involuntarily homeless in the richest state in the richest country. See these resources?
Admittedly, that’s a lot of reading! Perhaps it would be easier to read this printable homelessness help card Hawaii distributes to vulnerable people:
Or is that still too much reading for our freeloader pal, who’s usually more interested in drawing middle-school-grade stick-figure caricatures of people in distress and forcing us to put them up on our refrigerator?
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Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.
