Why Keep Calling Yourselves Christians?

By Mabel Doge Luhan for Mabel’s Table, Kandit News & Views

Isn’t America great?

At least as of this writing (cross my wrinkled fingers), we Americans aren’t required to subscribe to any religion, nor even any religion at all. Why, you are perfectly free (as of this writing, anyway) to call yourself a Christian, a Muslim, a Satanist, a Wiccan, an atheist, an agnostic, or even a none-of-the-above! We sometimes fail to appreciate how unique that is, across both place and time.

Why, it reminds me of that breezy afternoon aboard the Nabila. I was kicking back a nice can of Tab, while my good friend and erstwhile protege Adnan Khashoggi was happy with his pineapple juice.

Farasan Kabir’s marina already lay behind us, and the coastline unfolded. Adnan and I, along with some “close associates” from the General Intelligence Presidency, were bound for Qandal Beach to discuss selling some Arash 122s to the Israe— I mean to do a little snorkeling. That’s when the unexpected happened! No, not one of my hot flashes (I’d already stopped having those by then).

Why, the thobes hadn’t even come off, but Faisal and Khalid pulled an ice chest out from below the seats. And inside: a king’s bounty of Flag Speciale Gold! With bottle openers and everything!

I clutched my pearls, being careful not to grip my withered mammaries instead! “Aren’t you boys Muslims, I asked?” still in disbelief.

Adnan shrugged. The Intelligence guys whispered something to each other in Najdi (which I spoke only at a rudimentary level back then).

“We’re not actually Muslims,” Adnan said, as if confessing. “We have to be. No life for us here otherwise. So we pretend.” He popped the cap off of his Flag Speciale Gold and chugged it down like a Clemson fratboy at The Sanitary Cafe.

“I see,” I said, focusing on keeping dry my HARDBOUND DELUXE EDITION of Jane’s Weapon Systems.

And that was that. The deal went well. The proof of it, you might have read in the papers. But the important part is this: In Saudi Arabia, you have to be a Muslim. In the United States, you don’t have to be anything.

So this is what puzzles me. Why is there a very large fraction of Americans who oppose pretty much everything in the Christian scriptures, yet call themselves Christians? Why go through the trouble? Nobody is forcing them. They could just be honest and call themselves nihilists or hedonists or Satanists, which would be a lot more accurate.

They support a twice-divorced, multiple-abortion-funding philanderer who makes a mockery of Christianity. They take delight in executions. They oppose any assistance to the poor or the sick or the weak. They revel in violence and threats and the law of the jungle. We’re in the United States of America, so it’s perfectly legal to have all these views. Fine. But what I don’t understand is why they call themselves Christians, when they are the farthest thing from any reasonable interpretation of Christianity?

It’s as if I was going to town on a nice plate of pork ribs, swigging a Westvleteren, smoking a joint, proclaiming the divinity of Robert Redford, and sketching nudes of Mohammed — while calling myself a conservative Muslim. Why go to all the trouble? I just don’t get it.

It’s not just Christianity, of course. It’s also “conservatism” from people who unrepentantly storm US government buildings, “patriotism” from people who go around saying Russia and China are better than the US, and of course “truth” from those who lie even more than the Marianas Variety.

Why go to all the trouble? Descansa hao! Call yourself what you are. Nobody’s stopping you. You’ll still be terrible people, but you’ll at least be honest.

_____
Mabel Doge Luhan is a woman of loose morals. She resides in Kagman V, where she pursues her passions of crocheting, beatboxing, and falconry.

 

[Satirical graphic artist unknown. Sourced from viral depiction. For those it will trigger, calm down. We also provide for you a definition of satire: /ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/

1. the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.]